I let out a big exhale and lowered my forehead to the dining table, hoping that it would be cool and might bring some balance back after coming so close to the inevitable moment of lying to my mom.
I suddenly felt a strong sense of rage. At myself for getting myself into this situation, at Sebastian, at my injury, at my agent who just abandoned me in a foreign country, at tennis in general, at…my dad for leaving us…at myself…mostly at myself. No, it was all at myself.
And then the rage subsided and all that was left was an all-encompassing loneliness. I closed my eyes and just sat there a moment, hoping that somehow either everything around me could just disappear or that I would disappear somewhere far, far away from this whole mess.
The door cracked open. “Elly?”
It was Sebastian.
I raised my head.Why hasn’t he left yet for the gym?
“Everything okay?”
I nodded and then stood up, keeping my eyes averted.
“Elly?”
“The physio is here. I’d better go.” I moved toward the patio doors.
“The physio can wait.” His tone had changed to something more serious.
Everyone wants to talk today, and it’s the last thing I want to do.
I didn’t say that to him, of course. Instead, I waited for him to say what he had in mind.
“Why are you avoiding talking about me to your mom?”
There it was. If I could have asked for any other question but that one, I would have. It was like both my mom and Sebastian were in cahoots.
I didn’t turn around. I knew that if I did, I would more likely break face, and the last thing I wanted just then was to then have to explain to my physio why my eyes were puffy and my cheeks wet.
“I’m not used to lying to her,” I blurted out. “The moment I tell her about you is when all the lies will start coming out. And I don’t know if they will ever stop.” I had never said it out loud before, but now that I had, the fear felt more real. It wasn’t like taking something off your chest. It was like realizing the nightmare wasn’t a dream at all; you were awake the entire time.
“How do you do it?” I continued. “How do you silence the little voices screaming inside of you? How do you make them stop hurtling insults at you as the lie comes out of your mouth to your parents? How do you do it, Sebastian?”
It sounded like I was accusing him of something. Of the worst of sins. After all he had done for me, the surgery, the physio, a place to stay, a whole freaking tennis court! I was grateful to him. And deep down, I knew he had a heart so big that it could swallow me up. And I liked that about him. I liked that I had been wrong about his being just an arrogant rich boy with nothing to offer other than an ego and an expensive suit. He was more than that. He was so much more than that.
But he could also lie, and that scared me. Because that meant he could also hurt someone. His family. His friends. Me.
I was scared he would hurt me.
“It’s not a lie. It’s the right thing to do.”
I shook my head. “It’s right for you. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a lie.”
Both of us didn’t say anything for a long time. Finally, he spoke up.
“Will you still be going through with it?” he asked. “We’re supposed to announce the wedding dates next week.”
I didn’t move. His words pierced me.
Is that all he could say? Is that all he could think about?
I thought I was getting some feelings out of him. Like he actually cared for me…liked me, even, in that way.
Was I completely off? Did he not care about me any more than a business asset?
“A deal is a deal, right?” I said bitterly. And then I walked out of the room.