And then all hell breaks loose.
“Oh my god!” Linda screeches, and for a second, it’s like she’s not sure what to do: try and save the turkey or check on Bob. In the end, she goes to Bob, but he seems to be okay. Sam and Mason help him to his feet, leading him to a chair.
Linda, meanwhile, moves over to the table and is kneeling beside it, reaching for the turkey. Once she gets hold of it, she picks it up by its two drumsticks and attempts to stand without letting it fall, but she runs out of luck when the drumsticks both break off at the same time, and the now legless turkey hits the floor again with a “splat” sound.
“No, no, no, no, no, no…” Linda moans, and she makes it to her feet, tossing the two drumsticks onto the kitchen table and covering her face with what must be awfully greasy hands.
The damn dog is back at it again, chowing down on the ruined turkey, and I have the strangest feeling I’ve stepped onto the set of a remake ofNational Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
Derek and Grace are still standing at the edge of the room, their eyes wide as they take in the tableau of crazy spread out before them, baby Kellan still screaming. Jesus, that kid sure has a set of lungs on him.
Suddenly, I’m hit with the overwhelming urge to laugh. I think it’s partly nerves and partly the craziness of what’s just happened in front of me. I bite down on my cheek hard to try and stifle it.
A strange choking sound comes from the other side of the room, and I look over to see Mason biting down on his fist, his shoulders shaking with laughter. He’s desperately trying to keep it quiet, but he’s not having much luck, and that pushes me right over the edge. I do my best to smother it with a cough, but it’s a no go. A moment later, I’m doubled over, and the laughter has spread, with almost everyone in the room nearly rolling on the floor with laughter.
Unfortunately, the person who looks like she needs a laugh more than anyone else here isn’t feeling it.
Grace looks like she’s about to explode, and not with laughter. Throughout the whole thing, the baby has continued to scream, and given that, I can understand why she might be struggling to find the funny in all of this.
Derek glances over at his wife, and when he sees her expression, he makes a superhuman effort to stop laughing, with only partial success.
But then Grace bursts into tears, and the laughter stops. “What the actual fuck is going on here?” she screams, and again, everything in the kitchen that wasn’t already frozen in place comes to a screeching halt. Tears stream down her face, and it’s pretty clear she’s lost control.
“This is a fucking nightmare, all of this!” she screeches. “I haven’t slept in weeks, and I try to get myself together for this, even though I’d rather take an acid bath at the moment.” She pauses to catch her breath before continuing. “I try to put on decent clothes that don’t even fucking fit, and I bring this demon-thing of a baby along, and he won’t shut up for one goddamn second, and I haven’t even had a shower in days because my life has turned into a living hell of feeding, diapering, and listening to screaming fits. Derek is covered in baby puke, and he’s as fucked-up as I am, so he’s completely useless to me, and now we’re here, and I at least thought I might be able to eat something and maybe have a few minutes of time without that fucking baby attached to me like a goddamn parasite. But now the stupid turkey is ruined, and Kellan is screaming again, and I can’t fucking handle this for one more goddamn second.”
Everyone goes silent. Well, except for the baby, who continues to scream his head off. Derek puts his arm around Grace, and she collapses into him, sobbing. “I’m so tired. I can’t do this anymore,” she sobs, and it seems to me that not only is she struggling with a baby who might have colic or some other medical reason for the nonstop crying, but it looks like she might have a whopper of a case of postpartum depression.
Meanwhile, Linda has picked herself up off the floor and is smoothing down her skirt like that will make any difference to her disheveled appearance.
“Grace, honey, I think that’s about enough. Maybe you and Derek should take the baby and head home. We can handle everything here.”
To her credit, Linda acts like the whole event is totally under control, but there’s no smoothing this over at the moment.
No one else seems to know what to do, including me.
Jackson is the first one to act, walking over to a closet, taking out a broom and dustpan, and starting to sweep up the mess.
Sam steps forward to grab the remains of the turkey off the floor, pulling Princess off it as she snarls and snaps at him. I look at Dylan, and he’s looking pretty stressed. I’m torn between wanting to get him out of here, since it’s clearly affecting him, and feeling obligated to stick around to help clean up this mess and make sure everyone is okay.
Greg and Alanna lead Bob into the living room, and then Greg disappears down the hallway to get some pain pills for Bob, who thinks he may have bruised his tailbone.
Dylan still hasn’t said anything, so I turn to him.
“Dylan, are you okay? What do you want to do? Should we head out?”
He gives me a blank look, and before he can answer, Mason comes up behind me.
“Hey, you two,” he addresses both of us, but I can see he’s concerned as his gaze keeps darting back to Dylan. “Why don’t you guys split? We can handle things here.”
“Sure, yeah,” Dylan says and turns to walk out of the kitchen without another word. I must look shocked because Mason puts a hand on my shoulder and whispers into my ear.
“He’ll be okay, but this kind of shit is super stressful for him. He might need to just go home and chill out alone for a bit. Sometimes processing this kind of crap is rough.”
I nod, taking another look around the kitchen. Linda is now sitting on a kitchen chair, her face in her hands. Alanna has come back into the kitchen and is trying to comfort her. I hear the front door slam, which must be Grace and Derek making their exit. Mason’s right—there isn’t much Dylan and I can do around here, and it’s become crazy stressful.
“Thanks, Mason,” I say. “Could you please thank your parents for me? I’m so sorry this didn’t work out.”
He smiles and squeezes my shoulder, walking me toward the door. “I will. And Reed, just so you know, we’re a crazy family, to be sure, but we’re not usually this crazy! I think adding a baby to this whole holiday madness has thrown us all off. I expect even Grace will be able to laugh about this soon.”