“I’ve never seen him around here. But I know who he is, and I have seen him around town. It’s been about six months since they broke up.”
“And she broke up with him? That’s what Cummins said?”
“Yes. Seems silly to talk about breaking up with people when you’re in your forties and fifties. The same as having a ‘boyfriend’ at my age. But then I don’t, do I?”
“Do you want a boyfriend?”
“Depends on the time of day you ask me. Or how many drinks I’ve had.”
Decker smiled.
She smiled back and said, “I know we don’t know each other very well. But I’m a quick reader of people and I wasn’t sure you had a smile in you.”
“Sometimes I surprise myself.”
“I don’t see a wedding band. Are you divorced? Or never married?”
Decker’s smile faded. “Neither. I lost my wife a while back.”
“Oh, I’m very sorry. And I made your smile go away. Just the sort of stupid thing I do.”
He shrugged half-heartedly. “It’s not stupid. It was a perfectly legit question.”
“I’m sure you miss her very much.”
“I do.”
“Do you have kids? Do you take care of each other? That can help. I know that from personal experience.”
“I had a daughter. But I lost her, too.”
“Omigod. Was it an accident? With the two of them?”
“It wasn’t an accident. Someone…killed them.”
Decker had no idea why he was telling her this, but for some reason it just felt right. Or necessary. Or something.
“Oh my God, I am so sorry.” She reached out and gripped his hand. “But let me just say this. You were all together for a time. And that is something you can always hold on to. I…I told you my kids were grown and off living their lives. That wasn’t entirely accurate. Three of them are. But I lost my oldest to cancer when she was barely six years old. I cried for maybe the next ten years. And then I stopped crying.”
“Why?”
“Because I started remembering her when she was alive and healthy over sick and dying. I occasionally lapse.” She held up her drink. “Like with this. But for the most part it’s worked out okay.”
“And you don’t feel guilty for—”
“—for still being alive? Of course I do. But you can either get past that, or you can kill yourself.” She eyed him keenly. “I would not recommend the latter. I mean, I really wouldn’t.”
“You sound like you speak from experience on that, too.”
“I speak from more experience than is good for me. And if you really want to feel guilt, try taking your own life. It’s like you’re spitting all over their graves.”
“Why is that?” asked Decker, looking at her intently.
“Because you’re trying to take something away from yourself that was taken away from themwithouttheir consent.”
“I’ve never heard it described that way before.”
“I never thought of it, either, until it hit me right in the heart.”