“Me?”
“Yes, you.” He sat next to Kane and grabbed his hands. “Don’t you see? You’ll be my estate manager, just like we’ve already said you are, then you can stay. There won’t be questions or whispers if you are working for me.”
Kane said nothing for a minute. “So, you want me to stay?”
“Of course I do. You mean so much to me.”
Why did Heath get the feeling that this conversation wasn’t the going the way he’d planned? Kane did not appear happy, if the growing frown on his face was any indication.
“You want to pay me to be your estate manager, so I can stay in Dover and you can bed me?”
“Yes! It’s the perfect solution.”
Kane withdrew his hands from Heath’s grasp. “As your paid companion?”
“What? No, of course not.” Heath laughed nervously. “I just wanted a way for us to be together.”
“And you thought paying me to stay was the way to do it?” Kane’s voice rose.
“Well, what else do you suggest?” Suddenly Heath was irked at Kane for implying that he merely wanted to pay for Kane’s company in his bed. “I thought you would be happy. Don’t you want to be with me?”
“Not if it means having to be beholden to you for my livelihood. I would completely depend on you and your good favor. I’d be no better than a prostitute—your paid lover.”
The carriage came to a stop, and Kane leapt out without looking back. Heath was frozen in his seat. How had things taken such a horrific turn? All he wanted was to find a way to allow Kane to stay without raising suspicion from the locals and he’d made a right mess of things.
Heath got out of the carriage but didn’t go to his room. Instead, he wandered the streets, not sure where he was going. Eventually, his leg throbbed so badly that he knew he had to get back to the hotel or hire a cab. By the time Heath unlocked his door, the ache in his leg had intensified, and it only darkened his mood.
Kane didn’t come to his room that night. As Heath lay in bed, he replayed their conversation, just as he had a hundred times over the last few hours. He had been an insensitive ass to make such a proposition. Kane was right. He would be beholden to Heath for money. That’s not what Heath wanted. He wanted Kane to be with him, his equal in every way. He thumped the pillow next to him in frustration.
The next morning, Heath quickly dressed, ready to apologize to Kane. When he got to the door, he noticed a slip of paper had been shoved under it. Heath’s hand trembled as he opened the letter, knowing who it must be from.
Heath,
I know we are scheduled to take the train back to Dover today, but I will not be joining you. I have decided to stay for a while and visit my family here in London. After yesterday’s conversation, I believe the best thing is some time apart to evaluate the best course of action moving forward. When I return to Stokesby we can discuss the matter further.
Kane
There were no endearments. Nothingin the letter to suggest that Kane had any feelings about Heath. He crumbled the letter and threw it on the ground. The familiar anxieties and fears bubbled to the surface. What if he had messed up his one chance at happiness?
CHAPTER16
Heath’s statements earlier in the carriage had left Kane shocked and bewildered. Was he serious? Did Heath honestly think Kane wanted to be a kept man? Paid to be at his beck and call? In his anger and disbelief, that is what Kane had initially thought.
Heath had spoken of a relationship, but it seemed their idea of being together was completely different. When Kane imagined a future with Heath, it was as his equal. He knew he would never have the wealth Heath had, but he wanted to be his own man. Now he had an inkling of how women must feel when they entered marriage. Kane would be tied to Heath for his money and livelihood. That’s not how he wanted to live.
When he had stormed into the hotel, Kane had locked himself in his room until the walls felt like they were closing in on him. The stifling sensation had been too great, so Kane had left, wandering until he had found a pub to drown his sorrows. Once he’d calmed down and had time to re-evaluate the conversation, Kane realized Heath had only been trying to make a hard situation easier.
Most of the people Kane had been introduced to since coming to Dover had been told he was Heath’s estate manager. If he stayed, there would be no awkward explanations, since everyone already assumed Kane was working for Heath. But Kane would know, and so would their friends. They would know that Kane was sleeping with the man who was paying his salary. Not that he wasn’t doing that now, but it would be different if they were in a committed relationship. Kane lay his head on the table in the pub.
What am I going to do?
One thing that kept going through Kane’s mind was the wish to have someone to confide in. Then he remembered his parents. They were here, in London. Perhaps he should go to them. It had been over a year since he’d last seen them, and mayhap it was time for them to know the truth about their son.
Kane went back to the hotel, packed his things, and wrote a letter to Heath explaining that he would return to Dover in a few days. He had to go back, if nothing else, because his belongings were at Stokesby Manor. The only question was would he leave his heart there as well?
He left early the next morning, putting the letter under the door to Heath’s room. Kane’s steps were heavy, but it had to be done. A few days to think things over and some solid advice from his parents was what he needed. He got into the first carriage he could get and gave the address to his childhood home.
While the Badgely family had not been rich, they had lived comfortably. His parents had made sure he and his siblings had a good life. John and Maud Badgely had been strict but loving during his childhood. When Kane had told his parents he wanted to be a teacher, they had supported him wholeheartedly. He hoped they would be as encouraging when he told them about his preference for men. It was the one subject Kane had never broached with them, but given the heavy weight on his heart, Kane knew he needed his family’s love and support.