But that's bullshit.
Yeah, my sister didn't share with me. But she didn't owe me that. And, even if she did, there's no spying karma.
Once I knew who she was—
It was wrong to keep reading.
And, yes, I did it because I needed it, because I craved it, because I loved it.
Because I loved her.
But that doesn't make it okay.
I didn't want to apologize because I can't apologize for falling in love with her here.
I can't apologize for craving her words.
But that isn't where I went wrong.
I knew I needed to tell her.
I knew she was pulling away, and I knew I needed to do the hard thing and talk to her in person.
I knew honesty and vulnerability were a two-way street. It wasn't fair to pull back at the first sign of resistance.
It was bullshit, like my friend said, and worse, because I knew it was bullshit.
I still wrestle with it. I know it's not right, but I still thinkdon't I deserve to know?
Don't I deserve this insight, after everything?
I want it, every one of her thoughts.
I'm terrified.
I can't lose her too.
And I know control isn't love. But it didn't feel like control. It felt like some kind of hack. Maybe it was. But, whatever happens, I have to let go too.
I have to find the bravery she has.
How the fuck do I do that?
ChapterFifty
IMOGEN
Ispend the night in my old room. I read over my old journals, the paper ones I locked in my desk, the ones I kept on Word Docs, the entry on Hearts and Thorns.
And then everything he's left for me.
Finally, after my third read through, I turn on my phone.
And I reply to his text.
Imogen: I can come over tonight.
Patrick: Is 10 too late? I have work.