She wet her lips with her tongue, and Erin couldn’t look away. She tried to get her pulse under control. She could not make out with Cassie with ten teenagers in her basement. She wouldn’t do that with anyone, but she certainly couldn’t be doing it with someone closer in age to the teenagers than to her.
“You should FaceTime her, then.”
They were still leaned into each other. Cassie jutted her chin out, trying to connect their mouths again, but Erin pushed her backward into the couch. She imagined, for a millisecond, following the push with her body, climbing right into Cassie’s lap, in the middle of the living room.
“Call Acacia,” she said instead, and shifted away.
Cassie’s throat worked as she swallowed. It took her a second before she fished her phone out of her pocket. Erin looked away, like that offered some kind of privacy.
“Hello from the future!” Cassie yelled when Acacia answered.
“How is it?” Acacia asked. “Are you living under water?”
“No, in outer space! You always say I’m gonna be an astronaut but everyone is now!”
Acacia’s laugh was bright, even over the phone.
“Hey, where are you? Where’s Parker? Where’s the party?”
“Parker is downstairs with the party,” Cassie said. “I came upstairs to say happy New Year to Erin and to call you.”
“Cassie.”
There was a warning in Acacia’s voice that made Erin look at Cassie’s face, and it was like she knew what was about to happen before it did: frantic, useless terror.
“Please tell me you didn’t do something stupid like go upstairs to try to kiss her,” Acacia said.
Cassie went stiff, completely frozen. A rock sunk into the pit of Erin’s stomach, but she put on a big smile as she leaned over, into the frame, and waved at Acacia.
“Hi, Acacia! Happy New Year!” She moved back out of the frame.
The way Acacia’s face fell might have been funny if Erin weren’t feeling something similar.
“Happy New Year,” Acacia said blankly.
“Yeah, Kaysh, I should be getting back to the party,” Cassie said. Erin could feel her eyes on her. “Talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
They hung up. Cassie turned to Erin, but Erin refused to look at her.
Cassie took a big breath. “Look, she doesn’t even know—”
“It’s fine,” Erin said.
She was the one who was frozen now, her jaw set so tight her teeth creaked. How could she have been sostupid?
“I’m sorry,” Cassie said. “She only knows about that night, at the bar. I told her forever ago, because I couldn’t stop thinking about you and I had to tell someone. I didn’t know—I didn’t know I was going to come here. I didn’t know anything was going to happen.”
If things were normal, Erin would like hearing that Cassie thought about her so much she had to tell someone.If things were normal.Nothing had ever been normal here. Nothing had ever beenokay. Erin had been pretending because she wanted to justify it to herself, but look where that got her: fucking one of her daughter’s best friends while the other knew what was going on. What the fuck had she been thinking.
“It’s fine,” she said again.
“Erin, I’m serious, would you look at me?” Cassie sounded panicked,and that was the only reason Erin finally looked at her. “Acacia’s my best friend. She’s not going to—”
“It’s fine, Cassie,” Erin said one more time.
Acacia was Cassie’s best friend. Acacia was Parker’s best friend. Cassie was Parker’s best friend. Erin was the worst mother in the world.