And she’d live in constant fear that one day he’d never come back at all, and she’d hear that he’d been killed, like Tony, in some faraway field miles from those who loved him.
When it finally got too cold on deck she went below, took a deep breath, and knocked on the cabin door. Raven was sitting up in bed, shirt open at the throat, looking as attractively disreputable as usual. Her heart contracted and she glanced quickly away, certain he’d read the yearning in her eyes. “Kit says we’ll be back home within the hour.”
He nodded. “That’s good.”
“He’s going to stay with you at Ravenwood until you can walk again.”
“Oh. Right. Good.”
Heloise glanced at him. He was looking down, engrossed in pleating the sheet at his waist.
“I’ll go straight home, then, shall I?” she prompted.
“That would probably be best. With Lavalle dead I doubt the French will send another agent after you, but I’m in no state to defend you if they do. Richard will make sure you’re well enough protected.”
A spark of annoyance kindled in her chest. Nothing had changed, had it? She was still just an irksome responsibility to be handed over to the next available protector. But what had she expected him to say?Don’t go, Heloise. You’ve ruined me for any other woman. Come home with me and stay forever. Marry me.She might as well expect the moon to burst into flame. She pinned a bright smile on her face. “I completed another item on my list.”
That got his attention. His head snapped up. “I hope it wasn’t swim naked or take a bath with somebody.”
“Those were your additions, not mine.”
“What was left?”
“Play cards for money. I owe Kit Carlisle seventeen hundred pounds and my first three legitimate children.”
Raven frowned. “You don’t have to pay him. He cheats.”
“So do I. Unfortunately, he’s better than me.”
His eyes caught hers, his expression intent. “I’ll play cards with you.”
She swallowed the sudden tightness in her throat. “I’ve nothing left to play with.”
How true that was. With Raven she’d gambled and lost. It was time to withdraw from the game with what little dignity she had left.
He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry if this embarrasses you, but there’s something I need to ask. Have you had your monthly courses yet?”
Her cheeks flamed. “Uh, yes…I…they…yesterday, actually.”
He nodded, apparently relieved. “That’s good.”
“Yes.”
The chasm of things unsaid yawned between them, vast and unbridgeable. Heloise groped for the door handle and her throat ached with unshed tears. “Well, goodbye, then.”
He made no move to stop her and her heart shriveled a little more. This was dying by degrees.
“Goodbye, Hellcat,” he said softly.
—
Raven gazed at Heloise for a long time, trying to impress her image onto his brain, to memorize every subtle nuance of her face and body. This would probably be the last time they’d be alone together. He knew it, and he suspected she did, too. As soon as they got home they’d be surrounded by a tumult of family and servants, thrust back into their appointed roles of sometimes friendly enemies.
He knew what she wanted him to say, what he ought to say. He could see the expectation in her eyes, the hope, still, that he would offer for her because he’d ruined her. Or because it would be expected of him.
He ought to do it, wanted to, but the words stuck in his throat, refused to form on his tongue. He couldn’t be so selfish. He was meant to be alone. And she deserved far better.
His throat ached and his breath caught as he watched defeat and desolation creep into her expression. With a heartbreaking curl of her lips that he supposed was meant to be a smile, she turned and left.