“I’m coming, Tony! Hold on!”
She was almost there, so close. And then the ice gave way and she was falling, down, into the frigid black water. She flung out her arms and kicked her legs. Surfaced with a gasp. Somewhere, nearby, Tony was shouting her name, frantic, desperate, but she couldn’t see him, couldn’t reach him. The weight of her skirts dragged her down, wrapping round her legs in an icy embrace as she thrashed. “Wait! I’m coming! Wait!”
She clawed and grasped nothing. Tony’s voice was fading, slipping away, and a scream tore from her throat, of rage and frustration and grief. This wasn’t what had happened. Tony couldn’t leave her!
Heloise sat bolt upright, her heart hammering, her throat tight and raw. Strong arms enveloped her and she didn’t even question their presence. She let out a choked sob and buried her head in the comforting warmth and strength. Raven. Of course.
A shudder ran through her. “I dreamed of Tony. On the ice.”
Soothing hands rubbed her back. “Shh. It’s all right.”
She could barely breathe past the weight of loss crushing her chest. “Oh God. Why did he have to die?”
“I don’t know.”
She suppressed another shuddering sob. “It’s so bloody stupid. What was the point in me saving him from drowning? He went and got himself killed a few years later in the war.” Tears threatened behind her eyelids but she refused to let them fall. She buried her face against Raven’s shirt instead. “I couldn’t save him. He died.”
Raven stroked her hair, smoothed the damp tendrils back from her face, and simply held her, offering wordless comfort. Heloise lifted her head and stared at him in the shadows. “I miss him so much. It still hurts. Every day, you know?”
—
Oh, yes, Raven thought helplessly, he knew. That gnawing sense of loss. The impotence and hollowness and rage. He’d never wish it on his worst enemy.
She made a soft sound, a little sigh, and burrowed her face into his chest again. He stiffened but didn’t move.
“I was afraid for you this afternoon,” she sniffed, her words muffled against his shirt. “What if you’d been shot? I’ve already lost Tony. I couldn’t bear to lose you, too.”
Raven stilled at her admission, then forced his muscles to relax. “You won’t get rid of me that easily. I’ll stay on this earth just to haunt you.” He smiled when she chuckled, and felt an instant gratification that he’d eased a little of her pain. “I thought you hated me, Hellcat?” It came out gruffer than he would have liked, but she didn’t notice, thankfully.
She gave a watery laugh. “I might want to kill you, Ravenwood, but I’d never want you dead.”
That was paradoxical, but he knew what she meant. He felt the same way about her. She lifted her eyes and he felt himself weakening. That pleading look was killing him, as sure as a knife through the heart. He stood abruptly and stepped to the door. He had to get out of there.
“Stay,” she said softly.
Chapter 35
Heloise couldn’t believe she’d just said that out loud. But she didn’t want to take it back. She tensed, waiting for his reaction.
Raven paused, one hand on the doorknob.
“I need you. Stay with me tonight.”
“You don’t have the first clue what you’re saying.”
Heloise swallowed. This wasn’t her real life. This was just a temporary interlude. No one would know what happened here. She could take what she wanted and damn the consequences. She wanted him. His body, if not his heart. “I know this isn’t forever. I don’t care. I want you to be my first lover.”
His lip curled in a snarl. “You don’t need anyone. Least of all me.”
“I do.” Her heart was hammering in her throat but she attempted an insouciant shrug. “If anyone finds out I’ve been with you this past week, I’ll be ruined.”
“No one’s going to find out,” he growled. “Your family will tell everyone you’ve been ill.”
She ignored that piece of logic. “Someone might. And if I’m going to be labeled a fallen woman, I might as well find out what all the fuss is about.”
He ran his left hand through his hair in a distracted motion. The movement flexed his biceps, bunched it up tight beneath his shirt. “No.Someonehas to have a care for your reputation.”
Anger warmed her chest. “Why? It’s not as if I’m ever going to marry. And I’ll be damned if I go to my grave without knowing what it’s like to be with a man.”