“I never wanted to be rid of you, I just wanted to stop playing hotel!” Miriam protested. Hannah had known from a very young age that she wanted to run Carrigan’s and had made them all practice, nonstop, but Miriam still would have kept her all year, if she could have. Miriam’s normal life, at home in Arizona, had been lonely, with no friends she could safely invite over, in case they found out the truth about her family.
“I missed you,” Hannah said, simply.
Miriam cracked open, her tears welling up. (Where were all these tears coming from? Had she been saving them for ten years?) “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be gone so long and miss so much. I thought you had your life’s dream. You didn’t need your mess of a cousin flailing around.”
Even as she spoke, Miriam knew it sounded like a terrible excuse. All the excuses she’d used not to come back sounded terrible, now that she was here and Cass wasn’t.
“I needed you,” Hannah said, shrugging before splitting their sandwiches so they each had half of the other’s, like they’d always done as children. Then, she deconstructed her egg salad on rye and rebuilt it with a layer of potato chips in the middle. “Especially after Blue left, I needed someone who knew all of me, I guess.”
This was exactly what Miriam had been thinking about Hannah, and it pierced her. All the years she’d been gone, she’d thought she couldn’t survive the scrutiny of people who’d always known her, that having no one know her whole self was a feature, not a bug, of avoiding the Carrigan’s crew. But being back, she realized she’d forgotten what it felt like to have someone who had been with you for all of your past, who understood who you’d been at every point of your life. She’d robbed Hannah of that while denying herself, and she hadn’t even thought about whether Hannah would miss her, really. She hadn’t done it on purpose, but the damage had still been done.
“I don’t know how to make that up to you,” Miriam admitted.
“Just keep showing up,” Hannah told her. “Don’t run.”
Miriam nodded. “I’m not sure I’ll do that perfectly. Running is what my feet know best. I can just practice not running every day.”
Hannah gave her a half smile and swiped her last potato chip. “Good enough.”
Their next stop was Marisol’s Boutique. Marisol had been one of many mourners to come to sit shiva and tell stories about Cass. She had long black hair she wore loose down her back and had a great dress on.
“Hey!” she yelled to Hannah. “You’re here without your other half!”
“She’s deeply invested in trees today,” Hannah said, hugging Marisol.
“Noelle shops here?” Miriam asked, looking around at the racks of skirts and heels.
“Nah, she hangs out, getting her ass kicked at Spite and Malice,” Marisol said. Miriam smiled at that picture.
Marisol had met Cass in a cafe in Zurich. Cass had stopped her and said, “I have a feeling we’re meant to travel together. Do you like Christmas?” And now here Marisol was, in Advent.
“Is this Collin’s love?” she whispered as Hannah looked through a rack. Hannah dramatically shushed her, which Miriam took as a yes.
“Sooo,” Hannah said to Marisol, “Miriam and I are cooking up a plot to do more year-round events at Carrigan’s, including partnering with Advent businesses. What do you think? Fashion show in the barn?”
“Anything you can do to bring in more tourists throughout the year, with more money to spend in town, I am on board with,” Marisol said, leaning against the counter.
“Good! We’ll keep you in the loop. Also, my poor cousin needs clothes. Everything she owns is for a South Carolina winter and I’m tired of her complaining that she’s cold.”
After sorting through the racks, Hannah handed Miriam several very soft sweaters, in flattering colors that showed off a little cleavage. Miriam suspected Hannah had ulterior motives that included matchmaking.
“These make me look heterosexual,” she complained.
Hannah looked at her cuffed overalls and backwards floral snapback and raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure that’s possible,” she said skeptically. “You’ll end up bedazzling them in a way that somehow screams ‘No one confuse me for a straight person.’”
So Miriam bought them, because her bedazzler could use some action, and because she wasn’t opposed to new clothes that made her boobs look great.
Chapter 13
Noelle
That Wednesday, they sent the official business plan for Carrigan’s All Year to the Rosensteins. Now they were only waiting to hear what the answer would be.
With only three weeks until Christmas, guests were arriving, sad about the loss of Cass, but looking for the full Christmasland Experience. Most of the families had been coming all their lives. Hannah was committed to making it feel like a Carrigan’s Christmas, which meant all the regular activities.
“The gingerbread is fresh baked, and it doesn’t behave the way graham crackers do,” Miriam complained while Noelle laughed.
The Carrigan’s guests took their Gingerbread House Competition very seriously. Miriam was trying to build a house, and Noelle had decided to help by offering gently mocking commentary.