She stomped through the trees to her work shed, which by God was still hers—Levi and Miriam be damned.
Chapter 4
Miriam
Miriam caught up to Noelle in the work shed, a massive building that housed fertilizer, saplings, and the huge variety of implements it took to successfully raise award-winning evergreens. It smelled like growing things and winter, crisp and pungent.
“Can you leave me alone for five minutes until I don’t want to murder anyone?” Noelle asked through her teeth. “Please? Can this not be about you for five minutes?”
“Why are you so angry at me?” Miriam tried to put her hand on Noelle’s sleeve.
“To clarify,” Noelle snapped, jerking away, “I’m angry at Cass and livid at Levi. You barely matter enough to warrant being mad at, and I’d love to keep it that way. In fact, I’ve done everything I can tonotget to know you this week, and if you leave now, I won’t have wasted that hard work.”
Miriam didn’t realize Noelle had been deliberately avoiding her, and she didn’t understand how Noelle could already dislike her so much. Their only conversation was when Miriam had walked into the kitchen and been knocked back on her heels by the sight of a blistering hot fat butch in suspenders—all broad shoulders and hips a wide revelation. She’d asked for coffee because her brain was too scrambled to think of what else to say. It shouldn’t even bother her that Noelle didn’t like her, but it did.
All week, she’d been observing Noelle, because shiva was long and slow when it wasn’t hurting like hell. Her extended family was pleasant but distant, and Hannah was always running. Cole and the Matthewses were the only people who really talked to her. Drifting off, out of her body, and watching Noelle was easy, admiring the way she rolled her flannel over her strong forearms or flexed her thick thighs inside her worn-out jeans. It was simpler than facing the battering ram of grief trying to break down Miriam’s walls. And she was curious about this magnetic woman who had become so much a part of Carrigan’s while she was gone.
She’d seen Noelle’s easy way of being in her body, her humor, the warmth and care she showed everyone, but she hadn’t noticed Noelle’s distaste. Miriam sort of wished she had. Maybe it would have shut down her sudden, intense response to the woman. Lusting after a stranger while she sat shiva was unnerving and totally inappropriate. Especially since she was engaged to someone else.
Maybe Miriam’s emotions were coming back online after a decade of disuse, rusty and miswired. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d cried before this week. Maybe her grief was simply coming out sideways. But she didn’t think her interest had been obvious or the reason for Noelle’s animosity.
“Okay, I don’t know what you’re mad at Levi for, but I’ve met Levi, so I’m sure you’re probably justified.” She shoved her hands in her back pockets. “And I don’t know what you have against me, since as you said, we don’t know each other. I didn’t know anything about this. This is exactly something Cass would do, though. This is like, peak Cass Carrigan.”
“You don’t know what I have against you?” Noelle scoffed. “You left Cass here to die without you, and Hannah to deal with it. You never came back, the whole time she was sick. What am I supposed to think of you? And now you’re telling me exactly what Cass would do?”
Noelle’s accusations were like a punch. Miriam’s body folded in on itself. All that worrying about land mines from her childhood, and words from a stranger were what hurt her.
Noelle was right, she’d never come home. She’d thought she was protecting herself, but she’d been hurting everyone she loved. And now she couldn’t look herself in the mirror, and she didn’t know how to make it up to any of them, let alone Cass.
From somewhere outside herself, she watched herself heave a sob.
“I didn’t know,” she choked out. “I didn’t know Cass was sick. No one told me.”
“If that’s true, whose fault is it?” Noelle asked, her arms crossed over her chest. “No one can rely on you. You are the last person anyone would call in an emergency. And if we’re about to lose the Christmasland, we sure as hell have an emergency on our hands.”
“You can hate me, but you have no right to judge my ability to be a part of Carrigan’s. I do have a lifetime of memories here.” Tears still ran down her face, but she mirrored Noelle’s stance, her arms crossed and her feet rooted. “I know what goes into creating a Carrigan’s Christmas season.” Noelle’s anger had called up her own, and for once, instead of fleeing or folding, she wanted to fight.
“I have every right!” Noelle snapped. “It is my business, Miriam, it’s literally my actual business. You know nothing about Carrigan’s Christmasland. You were a child when you were here for the season, with no awareness of how much labor goes into making Carrigan’s run smoothly.” Noelle was pointing at her, and it made Miriam want to bite her finger. “You’re in no way equipped to take any of this on. Based on what I know of you, you are the opposite of equipped for real life.”
“What possible evidence do you have of that?” Miriam demanded, screwing her hands to her hips. When people bigger than her yelled, usually Miriam shrunk, but not now. She stared Noelle right back down.
“You’re all over the country, making some bullshit fake art for Instagram and avoiding the people who love you. Where were you when Hannah broke apart?”
When Hannah broke apart over what?Miriam wondered but didn’t ask.
“You are totally unavailable to do any heavy lifting in your relationships. That’s fine! That’s a choice you’ve made! But we have people whose lives and meals depend on Carrigan’s running smoothly. You’ve never paid anyone’s paycheck. I don’t even know how you pay your own! We need dependable, and you’ve already proven no one should trust you.”
She looked at Miriam, and Miriam found that she couldn’t break away from the absolute certainty on Noelle’s face. That certainty was really pissing her off, and it felt great. She’d been sad, scared, and shut down for so many years, but now she was only afraid that her anger was going to light her hair on fire—even if some dark part of her worried that Noelle’s words were true. She needed to prove to herself that Cass was right to trust her. And she wanted to prove it to Noelle, so she could shove it down Noelle’s throat.
“And you’re some dependable angel, here to save the poor denizens of Carrigan’s Christmasland from the evil Miriam Blum?” She was shaking, she was so angry.
Noelle’s feet widened a little farther, and her shoulders went back. “When someone I know is in trouble, I’m the person they call. When someone needs money, or a ride, or their car jumped, or tile grouted, I’m the person they call. I have intentionally built my life so I am that person. I amsteadfast. You’re frivolous.”
Miriam knew then how she could prove herself and make her absence up to Cass and everyone else. She couldn’t believe what she was about to say, but it felt completely right.
“Well,” Miriam snapped back, her hands balling into fists at her hips, “this frivolous knockabout is about to save your damn farm. Do you, or do you not, need help getting through the Black Friday rush?”
“What does that have to do with anything?” Noelle threw up her arms.