God, he hated hearing her say that name. “Yeah.”
“And? What about him?”
Fuck, he didn’t want to have this conversation, but what else could he do? She was waiting expectantly, clearly willing to hang on until he gave her an answer. He scratched at his stubble. “I was never not gonna be a Ranger. It’s like getting baptized when you’re a baby. You didn’t ask for it, it’s just what happens.”
Nicole nodded. “But you left?”
“Yeah.”
“You didn’t like being a bikie?”
He licked his lips, wanting to be honest but not wanting to scare her and send her running. “It’s not as easy to explain as that. I grew up in the club; it’s all I knew.”
“So, youdidlike it?”
“Parts of it.”
“What parts?”
Noah considered how truthful he could be without freaking her out. “It’s like being Keith Richards’ kid. Or how I guess that’d be. Everyone knew who I was, I had all this cash and I could do whatever I wanted. Girls’d see me and…” Noah cleared his throat. “Never mind.”
Nicole raised her eyebrows. “Go on?”
Fuck.“Never mind. It was okay, is all I’m saying, until …”
“What?”
He shook his head. “Can’t.”
“Yes, you can, just open your mouth and talk.”
“I’m not much of a talker.”
“Reeaally?”
“Sarcasm.” He wagged a finger in mock disapproval. “Beneath you.”
“Can I ask why you don’t want to talk about why you left The Rangers, or is that the same thing?”
She was like one of the DaSilva puppies with a sock. But, unlike when people usually pumped him for information about his past, Noah didn’t mind so much. It was Nikki, after all. He drank the last of his whiskey. “It’s the same thing. All that loyalty bullshit tangled up in my head.”
And there was the shame, the crashing grey-waved embarrassment of having been that man, and at the same time, missing that man. Of feeling so fucking weak for still letting the life fuck with his head after all these years of freedom.
Nicole was looking at him strange, eyes wide, mouth parted.
For a second he was confused, then his mood lifted. “You’re into it, aren’t you? The bikie thing gets you horny, huh?”
“No!” she said, unconvincing as fuck.
“It’s okay to wanna fuck me cause I used to be a bikie.”
She leaned over and slapped his arm. “I’m not attracted to you because you’re a bikie!”
“Used to be.” A pause. “We can pretend I’m still one, if you want.”
“It’s not like that,” she wailed.
“I don’t have a bike anymore, but I could borrow Gil’s. Go for a ride.”