Chapter 28: Lilah
I sleep soundly through the night. I always sleep well when I'm with Ben. I've been blaming it on the oxytocin coma he induces with countless orgasms, but when I wake up warm and cozy, tucked into his side, I can't help but think it's more than that. He's become my happy place.
I haven't had a happy place since I lost my mom and in a lot of ways, I think my last true home died with her.
My grandma loved us and took care of us when our dad left, but I don't think I ever felt completely at home, even with her. In the back of my head, there was always this nagging fear that my dad would come back and make us live with him again. That I would lose the safety and stability Gran provided.
After countless college dorms and shared apartments, I thought buying my own house would give me that home feeling. Nothing feels like home except for Ben, and I'll take a mattress on the floor any day if it means I get to be with him. He's almost too good to be true, and I have to consciously suppress the gnawing fear that I'll lose him.
I rub my chest and breathe; I'm falling for him. Shit, I'm not falling. I've fallen and I don't even know when it happened. I'm in love with him and it's not like I thought it would be. There was no bungee-cord-tied-to-a-bridge-JUMP moment. There was no leap of faith or grand gesture.
No. There are a million cocky, dimpled grins. There's a mountain of all the little, thoughtful things Ben does for me. Nights spent sleeping in the same bed and the feeling of his arms around me, his breath whispering over my hair.
Every moment adds up to this feeling in my chest, the dual sensation of my ribs squeezing the life out of me and my heart exploding with joy. This is the home I've been missing. It's not a house, or a place; it's just him.
Ben is completely passed out next to me, head thrown back and snoring softly. He's so adorable. I want to run my fingers through his hair and play with his curls. I have a crazy moment where I wonder if our kids would get his hair. I'd like that. Crazy, right?
I should let him sleep, I decide. If I knock out the work I need to do this morning, I can spend the rest of the day with him.
I carefully wiggle my way to freedom and find my clothes. I just need to run home and grab my laptop. I'll pop right back over, sit in his living room, get some work done, and then we can make breakfast together.
Pleased with my plan, I grab my purse and slip out his front door. I scoot across the yard and unlock my door. My house is so empty and silent. An unpleasant feeling creeps up my spine. Something feels off but I shrug it off, chalking it up to missing Ben and wanting to get back to him.
I change out of my dress, throwing on a pair of skinny jeans with a tank top and a slouchy sweater. Ben's house is basically an ice castle. I have to layer up if I'll be at his house for any length of time, not that I mind an excuse to wear my fall sweaters year-round.
I check on Frankie, make sure she has plenty of water and give her some fresh food. She doesn't require much, but I still feel guilty leaving her here while I spend the day with Ben. He's got a soft spot for her, and I bet he'd set up an extra space for her at his house if I mention it.
I pull her ball out of the corner so she can roll it around and watch her for a minute as she bops it. I grab my laptop bag from its hook by the front door and head back out, locking the door behind me.
I cross back towards Ben's house, but something catches my eye. His Jaguar looks wrong, and it takes me a second to see he has a flat. No, I realize as I get closer. He has four flat tires. Holy shit. I circle the car, frowning. The deflated rubber looks like it's pooling under the weight of his car, but that's not all. Someone keyed every single panel of Ben's car. There are long ugly gouges in the paint with shorter, diagonal and zigzag marks that look like someone was slashing it with some serious aggression.
Great. So much for our relaxing morning. I'm heading back inside to wake Ben up when I hear his front door fly open and he steps out, looking panicked. My heart stutters at the worry on his face and the way his relief at seeing me washes it away.
"I woke up, and you were missing," he says as he joins me on the front porch. He pulls me in, holding me tight and planting a kiss on top of my head. I'd smile at the exasperation in his voice, but I'm more worried about the damage to his car at the moment. He loves that thing.
"Ben, your car..." I glance back at his car, a sick feeling in my stomach as his eyes shift from me to the ruined rubber and carnage. I follow him, rubbing his back and watch as his face shifts from confusion to fear so fast it's startling.
"Lilah, get inside," he says.
"What? Why?"
"Because someone slashed my goddamn tires."
"Well, yeah. I mean, that's pretty obvious,"
Ben pulls me towards the front door. "Please, just come inside," he pleads, half dragging me.
I pull back a little. He's being ridiculous. "It's not like it's going to explode or anything. It was probably just some teenagers being shitty."
"Look at the hood, Lilah." His voice sounds like he's being tortured. From this angle, I realize the scratches on the hood aren't random like the sides. The words "Stay away from her" are carved into the black paint in ugly, jagged strokes. It's barely legible, even looking at it head-on.
"Why would someone do that to you?" I whisper. Even as I say it, I feel like my body is being dunked in a tank of ice water.
He doesn't meet my eyes when he answers. "I can think of a couple reasons. Some might be my own fault, but... Jesus." He rubs his hand down his face. "Look, I've been meaning to tell you some stuff. Can you please just come inside?" Ice water, nothing. I'm treading water in the Arctic Circle.
I let him lead me inside, but there's panic bubbling up in my throat, choking me.
"Ben," I try to swallow. "What aren't you telling me?"