“Did you suffer?”
“No, but that’s because I had Dedushka.”
“And your child will have you and Kyle and his badass auntie, too. Ash and I started taking Muay Thai classes and we can totally kick ass.” She steps back to show me a pose, and I smile a little. “So before you make any decisions, just think about it, okay?”
“I have, and my decision is final.”
“Is Kyle fine with it?”
“No, but his opinion doesn’t matter.”
“He’s the father, Rai.”
“And this is my body. He had no right to plant his seed in there without my permission.” My voice rises and I breathe through my nostrils to calm down. “I didn’t ask for this. I’m not…I’m not fit to be a mother. I’m not you or Mom, Rei. What…would happen to my child if I somehow died? Huh? And Kyle? That bastard’s lifestyle is even more dangerous than mine. Sooner or later, he’ll leave, whether by choice or by a bullet. And then what? How am I supposed to carry that weight on my own?”
“Why can’t you?” She rubs my arm. “You’re the strongest person I know, Rai. You’ve been my hero since the moment you stepped in front of Ivan and said, ‘I’m Rai Sokolov.’ I was trembling in the corner like a stray kitten in the rain, but you didn’t falter or look back. You took my place without hesitation and gave me your comfy life. You saved me, Rai, in more ways than one and continue to do so sixteen years later. Why would you doubt your motherly skills when you’ve had them since we were kids?
“Besides…” She wipes the tear that slides down my cheek. “We’ll all die one day, so it’s pointless to use that as an excuse. You’re just scared, and it’s fine. I was constantly afraid of what type of mother I’d be. I still doubt myself sometimes, but Ash and I hold each other through it all. It’s like one of us would fall without the other. Gareth is the best gift I could’ve ever gotten. So I don’t want you to make rash decisions without thinking clearly about it. That being said, if you still want to abort, I’ll be right there, holding your hand through it.”
“Reina…”
“Come here, big sis.” She hugs me, and I close my eyes as I let her warmth envelop me. “Although, five minutes is too unfair. I should’ve come out first.”
I chuckle, pulling away to stroke her hair. “I feel so much better after talking to you.”
“That’s what twins are for—though you’re losing your privileges after you hid your marriage from me.”
“Rei…”
“Fine, fine. You were protecting me and whatever.”
“I would do anything to make sure you’re safe.”
“I have no doubt, but don’t cut me out of your life. I hate that.”
“I’ll try to be more present.”
“As you should. Now, tell me all about you and Kyle.”
A deep sigh heaves out of my lungs. “There’s nothing to tell.”
“What do you mean there’s nothing to tell? There’s so much tension between you two that it can be cut through with a knife.”
“Have you seen the way he looks at me?”
“Like he wants to hate-fuck you, then slowly fuck you?”
“No, like he’s erasing me.”
She stares at me incredulously. “Whoa. You’re hopeless.”
“What?”
“You’re such a great judge of character in mafia things, but you suck in the affection department, Rai.”
“What is that supposed to mean? He really looks like he doesn’t care.”
“No, he doesn’t. He just seems a bit heartbroken.”
“Because I said I would abort the baby that wouldn’t have happened if he hadn’t switched my birth control pills. Who between us should be heartbroken?”
“He did that?” she murmurs.
“Yes, so how about you go give him some lessons about communication?”
“That’s such a dick move.”
“Say it again for the people in the back.”
“He must’ve really wanted the baby.”
“Why would he?”
“You’re the one who’s supposed to know the answer to that question. He’s your husband, after all.”
“Don’t you think I thought about it? But I keep drawing a blank. His type shouldn’t even want a family.”
“Why not? Even the most heartless people want families.”
“Not him, Rei…” I trail off as his words about his family’s death hit me.
He saw his own parents being murdered when he was only five. His only family since then were assassins who turned him into a killing machine. He’s never actually had a family. Could that be why he yearns for one of his own?
I never thought about it from that angle. Not that it excuses what he did, but it at least somewhat explains his behavior.
“Just talk to him,” Reina urges. “Without your walls up.”
“My walls aren’t up.”
“There—they just went up now. Try not to be defensive.”
“But he’s the one in the wrong.”
“He is, there’s no doubt about it. But is the murderous tension how you want it to be for the rest of your lives? Because the lack of communication can turn toxic way too fast. Ask me how I know.”