I see nothing, hear nothing, as my head continues to spin.
“Why did you do this?” My fist slams against the wall. Drywall explodes, shattering around me. “Fuck!”
Why Liam? Why did you have to follow me? Why couldn’t you have just listened and stayed the fuck home and go work with dad, like you were told? Why did you look up to me? I didn’t deserve that. Didn’t deserve his respect. Didn’t deserve a little brother who loved me that much.
I don’t realize I’ve left until I find myself in my truck, pulling into the vista point by the river down the road. A place I haven’t been to in years.Years. A place I used to come to with my brothers. With Liam.
Shit, shit, shit.
Shiloh.
“Fuck!” I shout, patting down my legs as I search for my phone. Shit, I hadn’t even realized I’d gotten in the fucking truck. What if I hit someone or crashed? What if she’d been with me? Panic swirls in my gut so fast that I barely have time to get out of my truck before I double over, emptying the contents of my stomach.
I vomit until there’s nothing left, and I’m just dry heaving. I stagger forward, finding the river's edge, and drop to my ass in the dirt. I have to get my head right before I drive again. I have to get it right so I can go to her and fix this.
My head drops into my hands as I attempt to put everything back into place, back where it belongs. Stuffing emotions and memories way down deep where I can’t find them. I’m better that way. Everything is better when I forget.
Forget the military. The friends I lost. The warzones. Explosions. Gunfire.The screams. I have to forget.
Pull it back, Logan.
It’s better when I forget Liam.
Liam.
“Damnit, Liam,” I mutter, saying his name out loud for the first time since that day I’d told Shiloh about him. Even then, I’d been brief. Outlining the details vaguely, barely saying his name above a whisper. “Damnit, Liam,” I say louder. “Why? Why did you have to fucking follow me? You motherfucker!”
He says nothing back, of course...because he’s dead.
Groaning, I rub my face roughly and yank my hair. “I miss you, bro. I miss you so fucking much; it kills me.” I choke out a sob.
For the first time since it happened, I cry for the baby brother I lost.
There, in the place we used to love, my ass in the dirt, my face in my hands, I cry. I release every single pent-up thought. Every bit of heartache. I release it all. I shout until my voice is nothing but a raspy husk. I cry until I have no tears left. And I talk until I lose my voice.
I tell Liameverything.
“You’d love her. She’s so fucking perfect. Beautiful, too. Thick and curvy. Perfect ass and tits.” I chuckle, shaking my head as I look out onto the river. “She’s funny and sweet. So fucking kind, too. Like shit, her heart? Man, her heart’shuge. You should see what she did to the Huxley building. It’s awesome. You’d probably laugh if you saw me now. Tell me I’m pussy whipped.” I scoff, rolling my eyes. “You’d totally be right, but fuck, it’s so worth it.She’sworth it. She’s everything.” I pause, exhaling heavily. “Wish you could be at our wedding, meet your nieces and nephews.Fuck.”
After a while, I stand, dusting my jeans off. “I love you, Liam. I promise to visit more.” With one last look at the river, I turn to head back to my truck, more than ready to apologize to my woman.
“Shiloh?” I breathe, finding her sitting only a few feet behind where I’d just been. Her face covered in red splotches and tears. She takes one look at me and breaks into a harsh, heaving sob. “Shit, baby.” Closing the distance, I drop to my knees before her. “Shit, fuck. I’m so sorry, Shiloh. So, so, sorry.”
I move to wrap my arms around her but pause, worried that she might be afraid of me. She leans forward like she’s trying to throw herself at me but physically can’t. Grunting, I pick her up, my arms banding around her body as I drop onto my ass, holding her.
She cries hard, digging her face into my neck. Her body trembles and shakes from the force of it. I hold her tighter, doing everything I can to calm her down.
“I’m sorry,” I whisper, rubbing her back. I repeat the words again and again, praying they soak through soon. “I’m so sorry, Babydoll. I didn’t mean to yell and scare you. I’m so fucking sorry.”
She pulls away, sniffling and gasping. She shakes her head, her poor face swollen and irritated from crying. “No, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have messed with your stuff.”
“Baby, no,” I sigh, gripping her tear-stained face. I drop my head, bringing us face to face. “Shiloh, it wasn’t your fault. It was—” taking a deep breath, I press on. “It was Liam. I haven’t seen his picture since he died. It was just a lot. I had a—” Again, I have to take a deep breath, steadying myself. I have to be stronger. Stronger than my demons. Stronger forher.“I had a flashback, Babydoll. It was not your fault, I swear.”
She takes a deep breath and releases it with a shudder. “You’re not mad at me?”
Shaking my head, I shove down the self-deprecating thoughts at how royally I fucked this all up so quickly. “No,”I say adamantly. “Absolutely not. You’re perfect, Shiloh. What you did back there meant the world to me.”
“So—” she murmurs, her face scrunched up adorably. “You still want to marry me?”