“No. Absolutely not. I made a promise, and I intend to keep it.” He took a step toward the door but paused before leaving. “Everyone except Miss Trenton will be leaving later today. I’m sure we’ll find the time to talk about this then.”
With that, he turned and left before he could say or do anything that would make the situation worse.
Chapter 34
She couldn’t go back to sleepafter he left. She stared at the pages that had damned her in John’s eyes as she tried to decide whether she was scared, upset with herself, or angry with him. She decided that all three together were an adequate description of the emotions roiling within her as she set about removing any evidence that the man she loved had been in her bedroom. She was certain the staff already knew about just how far their physical relationship had progressed, but that didn’t mean she was comfortable advertising the fact.
She’d been careless and more than a little foolish in her interactions with John. She should have been honest with him from the start, first about that night in the tavern and then about the subject of her book. She knew now that he wouldn’t have condemned her if she’d explained that she was having difficulty separating her feelings for him from what she wanted her characters to experience as their relationship progressed. It wasn’t her fault that he was so witty and that she’d been tempted to use some of his observations in her novel. But she’d taken it too far.
She hadn’t lied when she told him that the list he’d found were instances where there was too much of a similarity between the character she was writing and the man she loved. She’d planned to eradicate most of those passages and soften others. It was fine to take inspiration from someone, but something else entirely to use them in such a manner without their permission.
But he could have stayed and talked this out with her. How was she supposed to get through the rest of the day knowing he was too angry to speak to her? A small part of her couldn’t help but wonder if she was acting the hypocrite since she’d kept things from him as well. Honestly, she didn’t know whether to be angrier at John or at herself.
He still wants to marry you.
After taking one last look about the room to ensure he hadn’t left behind any of his clothing, she threw herself back on the bed and stared up at the ceiling.
Did he want to marry her, or did he feel obligated to marry her?
Her thoughts reeled as she considered the very real possibility that he was behaving in the exact same manner as he’d done that first night when he’d saved her from that man who’d wanted more than a drink from her. Society dictated that John couldn’t end their betrothal without leaving her reputation in tatters… and, if truth be told, branding himself something of a scoundrel. He would overcome that in time, but she wouldn’t. And if she knew only one thing about the man she loved, it was that he always tried to do the right thing.
But she could end the betrothal and save the reputations of them both.
All society will see is the fact that the two of you have been living under the same roof for three months.
She wanted to tell that small voice with its unfortunate truths to stay quiet.
You could leave and stay with one of his sisters.
She closed her eyes as soon as that thought occurred to her because she realized it was the course of action she needed to take. John was concerned about her reputation—he’d said as much. But would Mary’s presence be enough to quiet the rumors that had no doubt started to spread the moment John had announced their betrothal? She’d seen the annoyance and the jealousy on the faces of some of the young women present, but she’d also seen the speculative look in the expressions of their parents. In particular, their fathers.
No, she couldn’t remain under the same roof as him. He’d said that he wanted to wed in September, which was two months from now. If she left Brock Manor, some of that speculation would disappear. The two months apart would also give John enough time to decide if he’d changed his mind about ending their betrothal.
Her heart clenched at the thought, but it was the right thing to do. Many other women wouldn’t think twice about entrapping their target and forcing them to the altar, but she wasn’t one of them. She’d come to terms with the fact that John might not love her, but he did care for her. And until a short while ago, she’d made him happy. She couldn’t live the rest of her life with him if he started to look at her with distrust instead of affection.
John’s sisters had been kind to her, treating her as though she were already one of the family. They wouldn’t turn down her request, especially since they, too, wouldn’t want a scandal. She knew that the next two months would be difficult, but hopefully their time apart would give John the time he needed to decide whether he could forgive her lie of omission.
Whether she’d be able to forgive herself, however, was another matter entirely.
Chapter 35
John forced himselfto act as though everything were normal. It had been a decade since he’d left home to enlist, and he hoped he’d learned how to conceal his emotions in that time. If his sisters suspected he was trying to hide his inner turmoil, they said nothing.
His friends, however, were another matter. It was impossible to miss the concerned looks that passed between Ashford and Cranston. They tried to pull him aside several times before their departures that morning, but John managed to avoid their questions. Fortunately, they didn’t press the matter. All too soon, he was standing outside and bidding them goodbye.
Cranston clapped him on the shoulder. “I look forward to receiving your wedding invitation. Will it be soon?”
John knew what he was asking—did he need to wed Amelia quickly to cover up the fact that she was already with child?
He shook his head. “It will be in the fall. We’ll let you know when we’ve finalized our plans.”
Ashford gave him a formal bow. “We look forward to it. Miss Weston seems to be a fine woman. I’m sure the two of you will be happy together.”
John nodded by way of reply, knowing that Ashford was right. He and Ameliawouldbe happy together once this matter was behind them.
He watched his friends enter the carriage they’d shared on the way to Yorkshire and set off on the long trip back to London.
It hadn’t taken long for him to regret leaving Amelia that morning. He should have stayed and talked matters out with her. She’d wanted to explain and he hadn’t given her the opportunity, allowing his sense of betrayal to color his actions. As soon as his sisters and their husbands left, he planned to remedy the situation.