“My parents died when I was very young, only six years old. They were gunned down in a mob war.”
“I’m so sorry,” Augusta said, taking both his hands. “That must have been awful.”
He nodded, still not facing her.
“It gets worse, though. I was kept in the family … they wouldn’t let the state take me. Sometimes, I wish they had.”
He sighed again, peeking at Augusta’s face, noting so much love and care.
“I was moved from house to house. My uncles and aunties didn’t want to take responsibility for me. I was treated like a slave a lot of the time. I had to do lots of cleaning and cooking, and I was always yelled at.”
Augusta smiled softly. “So that’s why you’re such a good cook.”
He smiled back. “Yeah. I actually don’t like it much … too many bad memories. It makes all the difference if I have someone I care about to cook for.”
Augusta shook her head, laughing softly. “What are you admitting to?”
Ray locked onto her eyes, and he had the courage to keep them there. He saw no judgment, no fear in her gaze. He was so used to people glaring at him with contempt, he searched for it even when it wasn’t there.
“I do care for you,” he said. Her widening smile made his heart beat faster.
“Tell me the rest,” she said. “Did you live with your uncles and aunties for a long while?”
“Yes,” he said, his expression turning dark. “I was kept back from school, then abused for poor marks. I was told to get a job and make money, so they could take my entire paycheck. I was told to work even harder because the money wasn’t enough … then I’d get abused for not doing the housework.”
“Verbally abused?” she asked, her eyes round and frightened.
Ray touched his cheek. “And hit,” he whispered.
Augusta wrapped her arms around him and pressed her cheek to his chest. “That’s awful,” she cried. “You didn’t deserve that, Ray. You shouldn’t have had to go through that.”
Ray stroked her hair gently, wrapping his arms around her to keep her cuddled against him. No one had ever said anything like that to him before … in fact, he’d often been told to harden up.
Augusta’s touch was warm and soft, more comforting than anything he’d ever experienced. For a horrible second, Ray searched his mind for a memory, any memory, where someone had comforted him. All he could remember were tears, screams, and his vain attempts to protect himself while his abusers heaped more pain on him.
This was the first time in his life that someone had held him, allowed him to feel his deepest hurt, and tried to soothe it.
He squeezed his arms even more tightly around Augusta and nestled his head against her hair. Emotions surged through him, and the storm was so fierce this time that it could blow him away and tear him to shreds. He was afraid. If that happened, what would be left of him?
Augusta held on to him as if she could sense what was happening. As if she was determined to hold on to him, no matter how bad things got.
Why … why did they treat me that way? What did I do to deserve it? I was just a kid.
The wound was open now, and it hurt all the worse. Wounds that had been poorly stitched festered underneath and became worse until they were cut open and flushed clean … but he couldn’t conceive of doing that, even now, in Augusta’s arms.
Pain roared through him, and he fought it. He battled it so hard that his head swam, and his stomach churned, making him ill. The only way to survive was to bury that pain again, cover it up where no one could find it, even him.
As he pulled the dark shroud of denial around him, he stepped back from Augusta, removing her hands from him, and putting space between them. There was no hope for him, no happiness. It had been dangerous to forget that. He was truly a broken man … he had nothing to offer anyone, let alone this beautiful, vivacious woman who should walk in the light, free of all the pain he carried with him.
I have to stay away from her on every level. I will finish this job as quickly as possible and get her back to her nice, safe world. Then I can do what I do best, and she can go on with her life.
She will go on with her life with us. We need her to live. She isn’t going to hurt us, she promised to comfort and take care of us. You just need to take your insecurities and fears and get out of her way to us.
The thought gutted him. Augusta studied his face with concern and confusion, but he couldn’t worry about that. He would hurt her worse if he let this play out … if he was stupid enough to get more involved than he already was.
Sleeping together … that had seemed unavoidable. Taking her out to dinner was utter foolishness. Like we were normal people going on an ordinary date. I played out a fantasy for a few hours, and it cost me far more than I intended.
He took another step back, watching her eyes widen. She knew something was very wrong now. Her hands came up to touch him, and he moved away too quickly. Her hands fluttered down to her sides, and he knew he had cut her with his behavior.