I once was all that you got
Now all that’s left to do is rot
No take backs
You made your choice
It was like I never had a voice
Lies and misery so bittersweet
You made your bed now take a seat.
Time is there until it’s not
Talk about a twist of plot
I once was all that you got
Now all that’s left to do is rot
I collapse to the ground and let the tears fall. Music has always been a form of therapy for me. When my mama died I stopped writing and singing for about a year. Memphis didn’t like that and snuck me into an open mic night the next town over. He brought his guitar and signed us up. I threw up backstage in a trash can and screamed at him, but in the end I’m glad he made me. Clapping nearby pulls my attention towards the side door. Mr. Bourne stands there with a look of awe. “Who is this Carson, and why haven’t you introduced her in class? All that raw emotion and angst. It gave me chills,” he says, moving closer. I jump to my feet and wipe my face off the tears and snot. “I’m so sorry, Professor, I didn’t know anyone was in here,” I say quickly. He waves his hand in the air as if blowing off my comment. “I don’t care about that. I’m glad I was able to hear you. Not so much the crying. I hate when girls cry,” he says with a shudder. A small laugh escapes and he smiles. “You should try out for the music competition after the holidays. I think you’d be a perfect candidate.”
I wrap my arms around my stomach. “I don’t think that would be a good idea. Maybe next year.” He gives me a once over and shrugs. “Your loss. It could open a lot of doors for a talent like yours.” I snort, and he raises a brow at me.
“My best friend, well I guess stepbrother now, is a country star. If I ever decided to pursue music he would help me. I wouldn’t want to steal someone else’s opportunity, but thank you professor.” I glance down at my phone and groan. “I have to go. I have Kippa business to attend to.” He gives me a nod and watches as I rush down the steps and out the door. I don’t bother changing and run to the Kippa House. I guess I am required to be there tonight.
I arrive and everyone is dressed in white, hair and makeup perfect. I sigh and walk into the kitchen where Penny said to meet her. “Ah Courtney, there you are,” she says with a huge fake smile on her face. I hate when she smiles like that. Reminds me of an alligator. “Hi, sorry I just got your message,” I tell her, before fixing my messy hair into a top knot. She glares at my appearance, but doesn’t say anything. “Oh that’s my bad. I told Ella to tell you, but she must have forgotten.”
I bite my lip to hide my wince. Was that the time she tripped me on the stairs, or the time she dumped her ice coffee down my back this week? “It’s okay, I’m here now.” I offer, trying to appease her. “So you are,” she says quietly. “Let’s get you changed so we can get this initiation done shall we?” She walks out of the kitchen and I follow her up the stairs and to a massive room full of clothing. “I took the liberty of setting aside a dress for you, since I know your funds are limited,” she says off handedly. “Penny, you do know my dad is wealthy right?” I ask, because the way she treats me you would think I grew up in a cardboard box. She scoffs and walks from the room, “Just hurry and get changed,” she says, laughing as she leaves. I throw my hands up and place them on my head, gripping the strands tight, screaming internally. I take a few deep breaths then put the white silk dress on. I have to remove my bra and panties, because this material is so fine, they show. I’m sure I’ll get some slut comments and coughs, because my nipples are showing. I walk down the staircase and straighten my back, holding my head up high. I enter the ceremony room and stand beside Lena, another girl who pledged beside me and actually treated me like a person and not a nuisance. I will say that some of these girls will fit right in with these bitches.
“Okay ladies, now that everyone is here, let’s get this over with so we can go party with the boys.” Ella says, moving along the group, handing out candles. Penny follows lighting the wick with a candle of her own. After the last candle is lit we all start singing the song of Kippa Nu. I’ve known the words since I was little. My mama used to sing it to me in the bathtub while she would wash my hair. A tear slips from my eye and runs down my cheek. I really wish she was here. After the song is over Penny calls us one by one and gives us a pin. It’s pink with a K and N on it. When my turn is called she jabs me hard with the pin. I try not to flinch, but I don’t fully manage it. Her eyes brighten with glee and I thank her, then turn and stand in line with the others, ignoring the spot of blood forming on the white dress. “Okay bitches, let’s party,” Penny says, and all the girls start to clap and jump up and down.
I blow out my candle after watching some of the other girls do the same. I set it down on the table and move for the door. “Courtney,” Penny calls out to me and I sigh, pasting a big smile on my face. I turn and wait for whatever else she plans to do to me. “Before you leave, there is just a tiny thing I need you to do.” My shoulders slump, but I nod, following her to the kitchen. When I enter I freeze.Oh my god.The counters are covered in a white paste, and the sink is full of dishes. I already know what she’s going to say. I turn and walk away. I grab my bag from upstairs and leave the house completely. I know she’s screaming my fake name behind me, but I just don’t care anymore. I’m done with Kippa Nu. I got my pin, just like my mother did and hers before. I can pass it on to my future daughter, but I will never try and convince her to join the sorority of horrors.
I find a bench and take out the card Jase gave me earlier, taking a few deep breaths I open it. I shake out the contents on my lap and laugh. There’s a letter and a homemade coupon book for really silly and sweet things. I flip through the book and smile, before reading the letter.
Cara,
I don’t know how to start this so I’m just going to come out and say the most cliché thing I can think of. I’m sorry. I fucked up.
I know you are probably rolling your eyes at this right now, but I want you to know I’m an idiot, and I know that I’m an idiot. Besides Lay, I’ve never had a relationship before, and I got scared I guess. I know you haven’t deserved the way I’ve treated you. Especially after giving me something so rare and precious. The thing is there are some things behind the scenes which I can’t disclose just yet, but I’m hoping to soon. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness, so I’m going to play the Lay card. He’s broken Cara, and I worry about him. Not seeing you, not spending time with you has put him in a nasty funk, and I know I am the one to blame. I let my personal issues sabotage one of the best things in our lives. I don’t want you to just let me back into your world. I’ll work hard to prove to you I’m worth it. I just ask that you call Lay, and give me a chance to make it up to you.
I miss you.
XO Jase
I wipe a tear from my eye and place the coupon book and letter back in the envelope. I toss it in my bag, then lean back and rest my head on the wood of the bench. I gaze at the night sky, missing the way the stars shine on the ranch in Kansas. Too many lights in this Texas city. I pull out my phone and text Connor, I know he’s at the party right now, but maybe he can sneak away. I really need to talk to someone, and he’s a great listener. He answers quickly, but says he can’t leave. I sigh and go to toss my phone back in my bag, when I think of what Jase said about Lay. I try my luck and ask if we can talk, before standing and walking back to Jhonson Hall. I know Sassy isn’t there since she left for home this morning. Someone in her family is getting married and her mother told her her presence was mandatory or they’d cut her off again. My phone buzzes, and I stop outside my building to glance at it.
Lay:Yes, get me away from this cesspit. Can I crash at your place tonight?
I laugh and send him a thumbs up. I’ve missed him and he’s always made me laugh. I know he struggles with some PTSD, I don’t know what from, and I will never come out and ask him, because that’s rude, but I hope someday he’ll be open to me about it. I rush inside and up the steps, unlocking my door in no time. I don’t know what’s going to happen tonight, but I do know that I need to change from this slip and clean up the kitchen. Sassy is a seriously messy roommate.
Fifteen minutes later he knocks just as I’m walking out of my room a sweaty mess. I couldn’t resist throwing on his hoodie to tease him, and I know I made the right choice when I open the door to let him inside and he gives me a huge smile, pointing to it. I shrug and grab his hand pulling him to the kitchen. I whipped up some brownies and they are still baking in the oven. I pull out some vanilla bean ice cream from the freezer and set it on the counter to thaw a bit. I miss my ice cream scoop from back home. The handle would use your body temperature to soften the scoops. It's such a pain to scoop hard, frozen deliciousness. I’m impatient, especially over a hot, double chocolate hazelnut brownie.Yum.
I hop up on the counter by the fridge and he immediately moves in between my legs, pulling me into a bear hug. I sigh and laugh when I feel him sniff my hair.
“I’ve missed you,” he says softly. I release him and he steps back, taking a seat on the counter opposite me. “I’ve missed you too, Lay,” I tell him, while playing with the pocket of his hoodie. “Thanks for coming tonight. I wasn’t sure if you would be busy with the pledges.” He groans and tosses his head back against the cupboards, wincing.