“Where are you now?” I asked as I got ready to lounge on the couch.
“If you followed my Instagram, you’d know I was in Germany. It’s sort of cold but I went to see Berlin’s Brandenburg Gate, which was spectacular.”
“I’ll have to look at pictures when you come home.”
She mumbled about her Instagram again, knowing I wouldn’t go on there. “Anyway, what’s up? You having Bastian’s baby yet?”
“Oh, my God. No. Never. Why would you even say that?”
“I don’t know. It felt like the only reason you’d call. You call me like once a year unless there’s an emergency.”
“Well, there’s no emergency. I’m just… Do you think I’m meant to be alone?”
“No. You’re married. That means you’re never going to be alone again.”
“We could get divorced.” I knew that was coming anyway.
“You’re not getting divorced. I see the magazines. Bastian looks at you like a fucking werewolf ready to rip someone apart for you.”
“Did you just finish a paranormal romance?”
“Yes and it was so good.” She said it like she was taking a bite of the best ice cream.
“Lend it to me. I need a good one.”
“So, are you guys fighting?”
“No, we’re just… I’m just… I know what I want finally. But I never really wanted anything before him. And I never used to hesitate, and I never used to have this problem. Why am I second guessing everything?”
“Because you actually are going after something that’s hard. Love is hard and relationships are too. You run away from those things, Mo.”
“I don’t run away. I’ve never left anyone–”
“No, because you made sure there was no one to leave. You kind of just go with the flow and avoid everything that’s hard.”
I shook my head, ready to tell her it wasn’t true.
“Your parents fucked you up. I get it. I think your dad did the same to half the town. They loved him and then hated him every time he left and took your mother with him. She was a freaking shining star and brightened up the whole town up, right? He came in and charmed her away.”
The days I remember her smiling at me and hugging me tight were some of the best ever. My father would sneak into my grandma’s house after months of being gone and hold up a surfboard at dawn. During those moments, I loved him more than the ocean, the sand, and my board combined. We’d have a few good months and then they’d leave again without a goodbye.
“I’m probably a little more scared of commitment than I thought.”
“You overcame it. You’re married. Give yourself some credit. And remember, you’re not on drugs, so you’re doing better than them.”
It shouldn’t have been funny. It wouldn’t have been with anyone else. Except Linny and I had grown up together and her parents had been addicts too. She’d seen the shit my parents pulled. “Oh, my God,” I said. “Remember the one time they got so high they tried to rob the tiki bar for alcohol? Not money, alcohol.”
Linny cracked up with me. “They couldn’t even walk and the sheriff locked them up just to get sober.”
“He should have kept them there forever.”
Linny sighed as her laugh died down. “I mean, they probably should have locked all our parents up. Mine haven’t been seen in years. My mom called me like two weeks ago and I couldn’t understand a thing she was saying.”
“What the hell? Is she okay?”
“Who knows?” I heard rustling on the other side of the line. “Look, if you’re questioning things, remember, it’s the people that mean the most to you that make you do that. He means something to you. Don’t run from it. Embrace it. Now, I gotta go. Don’t forget to check your mail in a few days. The package took longer to get a hold of but it’s coming. I love you, bye!”
I sighed and hung up, not really sure why I needed to have that conversation with her in the first place. I’d committed and I hadn’t run away, despite the terrible situation this was.