chapter TWENTY-FOUR
Therapist: Is it healthy, Jay?
Jay: Most things in life that are worth it aren’t healthy.
Therapist: It’s not a time to risk sobriety.
Jay: You don’t get to pick the time. You just get to pick whether or not you take the risk.
Jay
I left her with that time bomb of a phone, knowing that it held a potential explosion. I went to bed thinking about how she’d unraveled in front of me, relaxed into the woman I knew her to be, and then wound up like the woman I always knew she could be.
Mikka had been a friend for far too long. I should have taken her on the beach the first day I met her and never looked back.
Tossing and turning in my bed, I pictured Dougie texting her. I wondered how long he’d continue pursuing her, how long I’d be able to keep from ripping him apart.
Mikka didn’t know it because I hid the frustration growing in me, but I held back rage at knowing he’d harmed her. Things were building between us, and I wasn’t sure either of us could handle the consequences.
I got up to run before the sun rose. I skipped hanging out with Brey and trying to de-stress. I showered and waited outside her door when she opened it the next morning.
“Whoa! What are you doing?” She jumped when she saw me in her doorway.
I stalked in and crowded her right into the dresser. I grabbed her hips and lifted her onto it so I could wedge myself between her legs. “I want your phone.”
Her face fell. “For what, Jay? I can’t—”
I grabbed it from her back pocket where I knew she kept it now that I had her book bag. She snatched it back and glared at me. “I’m your designated babysitter. I need this for check-ins.”
“Fine. Then, block him so that you don’t turn into a bundle of nerves every time your phone goes off.”
“I…” She hesitated.
“What the hell are you hesitating for?” I bellowed and then recoiled at the fury that roared out of my lungs.
She didn’t. She poked me in the chest and said, “You can’t throw stones at him, and I can’t either. We all have our problems, Jay. What if he ends up needing me? What if he gets into some type of trouble? I owe him a lifeline.”
“What?” I whispered, my stomach knotting at her words. “How could you possibly think he deserves anything after the pain he’s put you through?”
“It wasn’t all bad,” she replied, rubbing a hand over my chest as if the motion would soothe away the pain of her words.
“I only saw the aftermath, Meek. It was bad enough.” My hands automatically found her ribs where there weren’t any spots anymore—I’d checked the night before—but I still saw them every single time I looked at her. I still saw her strength, her spirit as she sat there like nothing had ever been wrong.
“I promise you, Jay. It looked worse than it was.” Mikka embodied everything I respected in a woman. She plowed forward into uncharted territory and no matter how gritty she survived. Women didn’t complain, that was for men. Women didn’t find the wretchedness in the evil of the world, they found reason to still believe and hope for one drop of good. Even when she encountered the nastiest fucker, she still doubled down, willing to keep searching.
I didn’t know what it would take to convince her. I just knew I had to.
“One mark on your body is bad enough, little one. He put dozens there. I can’t begin to imagine what fucked up logic makes that okay or makes it not so bad.”
“Jay.” She sighed. “It’s complicated.”
“Uncomplicate it for me, then.” I leaned forward and put my arms on either side of her. I stared into her dark eyes, trying to see into her soul and dig down deep enough to find the root cause of her belief. I needed to pinpoint it so I could cut it from her, dispose of the faulty seed that had somehow been planted there.
“He’d never ever hit me before like that.” She whispered the words and hunched over to shield her face and maybe her embarrassment.
I tilted her chin back up. “Don’t hide from me. You’re a wrecking ball, remember? You don’t have to hide from anyone.”
“But I do,” she blurted out. “Don’t you get it? We were the tipping point. Me and you. Us together because we couldn’t keep away from each other. I told him and it crushed him. He turned into something ugly. I cheated, Jay. There was going to be a price for that.”