chapter TWO
lesson of the day:
People only see a tiny window into someone’s life. Make sure you show them exactly what you want them to see.
Mikka
One kiss.
One mistake.
One little misstep.
It knocked our friendship so far off course, I wasn’t sure we’d ever get back to where we were.
I was his pebble, and he was my rock. This solid, charming, larger-than-life rock that made everything in my life a little brighter.
We didn’t talk the next morning. I wasn’t even sure he remembered what happened. I thought about it day and night. I tossed and turned next to my boyfriend and felt the guilt of that kiss. I turned to Dougie in bed, ready to tell him. And then I turned away, cowering from the idea. Dougie and my relationship had been rough lately. He had been closed off and distancing us from one another for months.
Adding to the turmoil of my current relationship, I still felt the lust, the desire, and the pull toward Jay instead of my boyfriend.
So, I held onto the secret. I let it fester until I knew what to do with it.
I flew out to the film set in the warm San Francisco air days later. The heat and humidity hugged me as I watched Jay finish another scene with his costar. They stood under the dome of the Palace of Fine Arts where the large white pillars encircled them as they kissed over and over again. The small lagoon lapped nearby as the sunlight poured in on them while filming.
The location was romantic, held the hearts of so many Californians and was meant to spark hope in culture and in art. It was a great fit for the movie.
And I told myself it was all for the movie. Even if Jay stared into her eyes and grabbed her like he had me, it was a job. They were executing the perfect amount of emotion and the cameras were rolling to capture their orchestrated tension.
Still, kiss after kiss felt like punches to the gut. I wondered if he tasted like he had that night, if he kissed her like he had me. Did feelings barrel through her too? Did he think more about me than he did when he leaned in each time to taste her lips like I’d thought about him when I’d kissed my boyfriend?
It didn’t matter.
Had he meant any of it all?
It didn’t matter.
I repeated it to myself.
It couldn’t matter.
I was there to provide assistance, talk him through lines and his schedule. He needed me to make sure his affairs were in order, that he’d make the right flights, that his interviews would be attended on time. He even needed me to make sure they’d filled his trailer with his favorite lollipops.
He didn’t need me there to discuss a kiss. One that meant nothing at all.
What mattered was that Jay was finally filming the movie, the one that would shoot him into Oscar-worthy territory. Mr. Guillermo, the director, yelled for them to cut the scene. He nodded and walked away. He never said much, but you knew he was happy if he walked away.
Jay bee-lined for a red lollipop from the bowl near his makeup station. I heard his makeup team tell him to stand still as they studied under his eyes. The circles there were darker, and I knew it meant he’d been partying again. His body was starting to tire of his lifestyle, and I didn’t know how to approach it, didn’t know if it was my place to say any more than I already had.
He strode over as he unwrapped the sucker and popped it in his mouth. My nipples tightened as I watched his lips fold around it. “That’s the scene that’ll make the world fall in love with us, right?”
He vibrated with excitement; his smile so wide around the lollipop that I knew he loved his job as much as people loved seeing him do it. They’d parted his hair, dressed him in jeans and a collared shirt. He’d always made my mouth water, but the good boy look had my thighs quivering.
Or maybe it was his proximity.
Or the fact that I knew what his mouth tasted like.
I squeezed his arm and focused my attention on what mattered. “It’s a great scene.”