chapter FIFTEEN
Lesson of the Day:
Sometimes strangers have the strangest way of knowing you better than you know yourself.
Mikka
“I’m not giving up, Mikka,” his voice rasped over the phone. Hearing it for the first time in about a week and a half jarred me. I’d never been away from Dougie this long and when he called again after all the texts he’d sent, I knew it was time to answer.
“I don’t like to think of it as that,” I replied. I actually hated thinking of it like that. It made me want to fly back to LA and claw my way through the relationship just because the sheer frustration of not being the best at something crippled me.
“Then don’t. You’ve been the best at everything. You were top of your class, you took a job with a top agency and you PA for a top actor, baby. You never once gave up when you were pushing through college and working. We’ve been through it all and giving up on our relationship now…” He paused for the full effect and sighed. “That’s not you. You and I can do this. This is a rough patch, and I need you home to get through it.”
His words fueled something in me. They reminded me that Dougie knew me, inside and out. He knew how to manipulate me, mold me, and sculpt me into what he wanted.
I hated that I’d let it get this far.
“I can’t come home, Dougie. I just can’t.” The first tear slipped. For him. For us. For the life we’d had and the life I’d dreamed of us living.
“You need to get your ass home.” The deep, guttural command he spat into the phone shocked fear straight back into me. It flew through my veins like ice, freezing over my confidence at handling everything and frosting up my mind so that I couldn’t think straight.
“Dougie, please…” I pleaded with him as if he ruled over me, and my body believed it. I even went to stand over my suitcase.
“Please, what? I let you stay there for a fucking week. You keep acting like you’re out there fixing something. If you don’t get your ass back here, I’ll make sure you’re so broken, no one will be able to fix you.”
His threat hammered home the last nail in the coffin that held our relationship. He’d reminded me of the rules I had with Jay: I wasn’t broken. I was strong. I’d always been strong.
And maybe I was stronger after having to survive him too.
“No.” One word. It quaked out of me, but it was a resounding declaration that gained momentum in my soul.
“No?” His voice went up ten octaves.
“No, Dougie. I’m done with us. I’m coming home in three weeks to move everything, but we can’t go on like this. I’m unhappy, and so are you.”
“Look, baby. Be reasonable, okay? This is stressful for both of us.” He paused. “I won’t hurt you again.” He said the words low, like someone might be listening, like he was ashamed to speak the situation into existence.
Truthfully, I was. I looked around as if someone might hear the conversation.
“I know you won’t hurt me again,” I whispered back.
I didn’t know though. I didn’t remember when I’d lost faith over the past month because I’d believed him the first time he’d said it wouldn’t happen again.
I believed him the second.
And the third.
Somewhere, my belief died. I was only realizing now that I had accepted his violence as a part of our relationship I would just have to cover up.
It was unhealthy.
And I was far enough away that a small amount of light shined through, making everything clear to me. I didn’t have to live this way, nor did I want to. There were other men out there, other possible futures that I deserved to see. The cloud that hovered over us had been blown away by distance, and I saw so much more clearly now.
“I’m sorry, Dougie. I love you, but I can’t be in love with you anymore.”
“Is this because of him?” His voice turned; the edge was back, cutting our cordial conversation short like a sharp knife slicing through a tender heart. As fast as a conman switches personalities, he warped into the man I feared. Him jumping back and forth from sweet to vicious was a clear sign that he wasn’t controlling his abusive tendencies. It was a sign I’d missed for so long. My heart sped up as if he was in the room with me, as if I was physically in danger again.
I heard a creak from the next room and took a deep breath, reminding myself that Jay was just in the room over, that I was about to have dinner with him and Lorraine half a country away from Dougie.