I took the waterproof vibrator and switched it on. Rubbing it once over my clit, I let my mind drift. It went straight to Jay’s hands on my waist. In my fantasy, he yanked me close and punished me by devouring my mouth the way he had that night.
I wanted to scream his name, to yank his shirt off, the one he’d been wearing when he’d grabbed me in the club and run my hands over the abs that every girl in America dreamed of. I knew firsthand he tasted like the sweet lollipops he always sucked on; with a sort of masculine finish I couldn’t pinpoint.
He tasted of temptation, desire, and my ultimate ruin.
I switched the device to high and slid it inside me, but the thoughts of Jay were what shook me to my core.
When he stared at me like I was the most important thing in the world, when his hands smoothed over my ribs like he’d never, ever hurt me the way someone already had, I was lost to him. I let go of the tension I’d been feeling for days and found a release so high, I wasn’t sure I’d ever convince myself that the man in the bedroom next to mine was only supposed to be a friend.
As I dried off and observed the mess I was in the mirror, I catalogued my flaws. My long hair was tangled and needed a good cut, my frame was small and not worked on like most in LA, my almond eyes weren’t a good fit in most areas, especially a small town like this one.
Jay and I weren’t compatible as more than friends.
The most striking flaws were the spots over my ribs. The bruises were almost healed, but they were still a reminder that I was damaged goods. I’d allowed this to happen. I’d been abused, broken, and beaten down into something I was sure Jay didn’t need in his life. Did he just want to fix me like he had so many others or would he want to be with beyond that?
I curled up in bed and lay there waiting.
My phone pinged, and I jumped to see if he’d texted me.
Instead, Dougie’s name flashed on the screen.
Dougie:I miss you.
I didn’t want to write him back, but the tightening in my chest reminded me how much we’d cared for each other for so long. He’d inflicted pain but he’d also been there to soothe it away. He’d stuck with me even when I’d kissed another man and he’d tried to make it work in his own way.
He’d been there and I wanted to be there for him too.
Me:I know. This is hard for both of us.
Dougie:Just call me.
Me:We need time apart.
Dougie:I don’t need anything but you.
Me:That’s sweet, Dougie. But if we are going to be together, we need to get back on track.
Dougie:If? You aren’t leaving me.
My stomach clenched because I could hear him say it, hear the warning in his voice. He’d say the words distinctly. He’d said them before while gripping my arm so tight and shaking me after I’d threatened to do just that. I had bruises hours later.
The reminder had me closing our chat and letting his messages come in unanswered.
I stared at the phone, waiting for a text or call from Jay instead. He didn’t do either and he didn’t come home. I realized just how much anguish a lover of an addict had to go through. They waited, they wondered, they worried, and they wept as every scenario played out in their head. I knew how strong and smart he was, but I also knew the drugs stole all those things from him.
I had to believe he wouldn’t fold under the pressure, under his anger and confusion. All I could do now was wait and hope.
I wasn’t good at either of those things.