I didn’t move from where I stood. I didn’t owe him the effort. I would apologize, though. I would right my wrong because it was part of staying healthy and sober. It was part of moving forward with Mikka too.
I crossed my arms and looked at her, breathing heavily behind him, her eyes wild as she tried to figure out what to do next. “He’s right, you know. I shouldn’t have pulled that, Meek.”
Her shoulders slumped a little and she shook her head slightly like she wanted me to stop.
“I have a lot of people to apologize to. And I’m not sorry that I kissed you, love. I’m just sorry it happened when and how it did.”
Her eyes widened and I held her gaze. My world shifted, my heart jumped, we experienced something I couldn’t put my finger on.
I’d never wanted more with a woman, not more than what was attainable. I had fun with those that wanted to and I had friendships with others. I lived a carefree, commitment free life. Staring at Mikka, saying the words I said, I wondered for the first time if I wanted something more with one of my friends.
Dougie stepped in front of me, puffing out his chest. “You want to apologize to me too?”
“Nope.”
He cocked his arm slow enough that I saw the punch coming from miles away. I leaned at just the last second so that his momentum would carry him right into the chokehold I had ready for him. I grew up scrapping with two brothers, and even though Dougie was big, he wasn’t a match for me.
“You going to calm the fuck down?” I asked him as I squeezed his neck while he struggled in the hold.
There’s something about the way you feel once you get out of rehab. Everything’s a little frayed, lines are a little thinner, easier to cross, the edge of darkness creeps closer, and the rage, the feeling of losing control is always pulsing around you, ready to take over. Even when he stopped struggling, I wanted to squeeze his neck harder.
He deserved it.
Mikka’s tiny hand grabbed my arm, though. “Stop.” Her eyes were on me and then him. “Both of you.”
I shoved him forward out of the chokehold, and he coughed as Mikka said in a defeated voice, “Dougie, you promised last night that after everything we were going to try to get better. You were going to try for me. Is that you trying? You can’t hit other people.”
“Baby, I said sorry. I… He’s provoking me.” He pointed at me. “I’m trying, I swear.” He reached an arm out slowly to smooth his hand over her face and then let it drop to her ribcage where he rubbed. She winced and his hand flew off. “I’m sorry, baby. So sorry.”
The next words she whispered sounded strained, broken. “I think we need a break, time apart.”
The man appeared soft around the edges, no muscles too big and no smarmy smile to make you think he’d attack a woman. But I saw the red pop up over his face as she said the words. She did too as she took a few steps back and grabbed her suitcase.
“Does it matter that I don’t want time apart?” he growled.
“I just… we aren’t getting better together. Look at this.” She waved her hand between him and me. “You can’t attack somebody else and think it’s okay.”
“What if I come with?” He was back to trying a different angle.
She shook her head and stood taller. “It’s this or nothing.”
He rolled his shoulders as if he was weighing his options. I fisted my hands under my crossed arms, hoping it would help me to keep from losing my own control. This man didn’t get to manage her life. She did that and still I saw how he’d been steering it for far too long.
“Look, man.” He turned to face me. He had the audacity to hold his head up, to stand proudly there as if we were man to man. He dragged a hand over his face, wiping away the discomfort of the situation. “Mikka and I have gone through some shit. I’m not proud of it, and I’m not that kind of man. It’s just, she’s mine. It’s hard to process that you both made a mistake. I’ve got problems doing that.”
He kept talking, but the anger inside me tuned him out. The roaring of it was like a thunder too loud for me to hear his words anymore.
Mikka stepped between us, put her hand on his chest like she had done mine, and whispered “Enough. The agency wants me there to PA for Jay for a month. It will be good time away from each other. You do you. I’ll do me. We’ll see what happens after, okay?”
He gripped her wrist. “A month? Baby, I don’t…”
She eyed where his hand was, and he dropped it immediately like he knew he was too far in the doghouse to try anything. The red mark from it remained though.
“Look, fine. Okay. I’ll do whatever you want. I don’t want you seeing other people though.”
“That’s not for you to decide.”
His brow furrowed. “But not him! Right?” He pointed at me, his voice heightening in desperation.