“You don’t have to remind me about the NDA every time. We’ve been together since you took on this godforsaken job.”
“Why do you say it like that?” I saw the swell of anger and resentment gaining momentum, but I didn’t know how to stop it or know if I really wanted to.
“Because that job causes all our problems.”
“That job pays all of our bills.” I threw back at him.
“So, you’re mad all over again about me not working. I thought you said you wanted me to find my passion like you found yours.”
I combed my hand through my hair. “I do want that. You know I want that.”
“Well, then, you should let me find it.”
Fighting him and pushing him wasn’t the answer. I held back the need to drive him, to nudge him in the right direction. It wasn’t my place, I was supposed to be his partner, not his accountability coach.
I sighed. “We need to discuss something before I leave.” I pushed the words out just as I knew I would have to push my confession out.
He cracked his neck. “It’s the ass crack of dawn, Mikka. Jesus.”
“Still, I have to be honest with you.” I wrung my hands together and swallowed down the new fear that was bubbling up. The words stuck to my mouth, not at all near ready to come out.
I folded my hands in my lap to stop fidgeting and told myself that doing what was right sometimes meant doing what felt like was wrong for you. Living a lie could have appeared beneficial, but the truth always came out. No one deserved to be in the dark.
I took a deep breath.
One in and out.
One in and out.
“Jay and I kissed two weeks ago.”
It seemed both of us held our breath as his hazel eyes widened. The blotches of red filled his skin as his face crumbled like my words were finally registering. “What?” he whispered. Then, he yelled, “What?”
He jumped off the bed and paced up and down the room.
“Dougie, like I said, things got out of hand. Jay got carried away with partying and… It isn’t his fault. I got carried away. I drank too much and let it happen.”
He slammed his hand into the wall hard. Harder than he should have. When he turned back to me, his eyes looked wild. “You let it happen?”
I lowered my head into my hands, and my hair fell around my face. “It’s not an excuse. I’m so sorry.” I shook my head and pushed the palms of my hands into my eyes. “I’m so…”
Before I fully registered his hand in my hair, I’d been yanked up from the bed by it. “You cheated on me with him? After all the denials and the bullshit you spewed about him being a friend?”
As he said the words, his hand squeezed tighter and the base of my neck and scalp throbbed with the pain. The shock started to wear off and fear started to ebb its way in.
Dougie had only ever gotten physical with me a few times before. There were other factors to blame then too. He’d drank too much one night, we’d been provoking each other another night. It’d been so long ago though.
I trusted him again. I trusted that he was the guy that could make me feel safe even if he was a whole head taller than me. I was always the small girl who put on shoes to gain height and when I curled up next to Dougie, his size dwarfed me even more.
His size had always made me feel safe.
Safe until the moment I knew I wasn’t.
I’d reasoned that he’d never hurt me again. He’d apologized for days, begged for forgiveness, got me present after present. This was the man that when I’d first started dating him, he’d seen me jump at violence in a movie and he’d changed the channel. He had even shielded my eyes if I cut my hand while chopping vegetables one night.
“Dougie, you’re hurting me.” I whispered the words like a plea, like a reminder, like I knew this wasn’t him.
“I’m hurting you?” he asked, his voice full of condescension. He jerked his hand away and my head fell forward at the abrupt release. “Do you know how bad it hurts to know you did this to me?”