“I was lying there, hearing my brothers’ screams in my head, when he came in.”
“Who?” Sam asked softly.
Naomi could feel the color draining from her face. She gulped audibly. “My step-grandfather. That’s what he made me call him.”
“Did he hurt you, Naomi?”
The room suddenly didn’t have any air left in it. Tears were welling up in her eyes, ready to overflow at any moment, and a sob was choking her. “Yes.”
“Sexually?”
The tears started against her will. “Yes.”
“I want to say the right thing, but I'm not sure what it is. Iamglad that you told me, and I am so sorry that happened to you. I hate that you were hurt like that. I really want to hit something right now, but that’s not what you need, what you need is support, and you have that. Naomi, you have my support, one hundred percent.”
How could Sam still be kneeling in front of her now that he knew? Shouldn’t he have gone running from the room as soon as he heard the truth about her? Her body was convulsing in silent sobs, but she shoved Sam away when he tried to take her into his arms. Instead, she rushed to the window, and ignoring Sam’s windows and blinds remaining closed rule, she threw it open letting the freezing air wash over her. She dragged in several deep, shuddering breaths until she was able to continue. “He’s dead now, Sam, so you see this can't be about him. He’s dead. He’s not stalking me, I told you this had nothing to do with what’s happening.”
Sam nodded in acknowledgment. “You still needed to get this out. How long did it go on for?”
“Until I hit puberty.”
“Your sister?”
“As far as I know he never touched her. I wasn't related, he didn’t care about me, so doing that to me didn’t matter.”
Sam frowned at her. “It mattered,youmatter. Am I the first person you’ve told?”
“Yes,” she whispered, and she still couldn’t quite believe that she had just confessed all of this. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. Sam knew and he hadn’t gone, he was still right here.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“He told me not to, and I didn’t want to upset my mom. She had lost two of her children, she was already a mess, I didn’t want to make her more upset. Besides,” she let out a long slow breath, “part of me felt like I deserved it.”
“That’s crazy,” Sam rebuked angrily. “No child deserves that, Naomi.”
“I know, but I didn’t save David and Eli, and it felt like that was a fitting punishment for letting them die.”
“That’s stupid. I hate to hear you talk like that,” Sam raged.
“It’s not stupid,” she protested. “It’s how I feel.”
“It’s not your feelings that are stupid, I just don’t understand how you can think that an eight-year-old little girl should be raped or that she could be responsible for a fire that her brothers died in. Even the firefighters couldn’t get back inside to rescue them.”
She was crying freely now, she couldn’t make herself stop. “I feel so dirty, Sam. Filthy. I haven’t felt clean in twenty-two years. It doesn’t matter how many showers I take I just can't get clean. I feel like I'm stained on the inside where no amount of scrubbing can get to. I feel ruined.”
Sam picked her up, crushing her against his chest. “You’re not ruined, honey. You are beautiful inside and out.”
Not sure she believed him, Naomi wrapped her arms around his neck and wept. All the tears that she had held back since she was eight years old bubbled up, coming out in huge wracking sobs that irritated her throat and lungs which were still recovering from the fire. Sam just held her, keeping her wrapped up in the safety of his arms.
“I love you, Naomi, this doesn’t change anything,” he said when her violent sobbing finally eased to just a few random hiccupping cries.
She froze, sniffling, and asked, “Did you just say that to me before to stop me from going after the stalker?”
“No,” he replied firmly. “I said it because it’s true and I thought you needed to hear it. But, yes, I hoped it would give you a different perspective on things, help you realize you have a lot to live for.”
Naomi wanted to say the words back so badly, but she still couldn’t make them come out of her mouth. Sam knew it all, he knew what had happened to her, how she hadn’t saved her siblings, and he hadn’t walked away like she had feared he might. So why couldn’t she say it?
“Let’s go to bed.” Sam pressed a kiss to her tear-stained cheeks and then to her still trembling lips.