Still, I think I’m hiding it well enough until Caitlin reaches out and takes my hand one evening when we’re sitting out on the porch, watching the fishing boats chug back to the harbor.
“I know you have to leave soon, Danny,” she says in that huskier voice she’s had since she spent so many days with a tube down her throat. “I would have told you to head out a week ago, but I’m scared to let you go.”
I fold my fingers around hers. “Don’t be scared. You’re getting better every day and Juliet is going to be a porker before you know it. You guys are out of the woods, I know it.”
“I’m not scared for me or Juliet.” Her intense look is even more piercing with her eyes so large in her painfully thin face. “I’m scared for you.”
“I’m fine,” I say, slipping my hand from hers as I turn to look out at the boats. “It’s Sam you should be worried about.”
“I am. I’m worried she’s going to end up trying to recover from all this alone because the man she loves is serving a life sentence in prison.”
I press my lips together for a long moment, but don’t look at Caitlin and don’t answer.
“You will be the very first person they go looking for if one of those monsters has an unfortunate accident, let alone all five of them,” Caitlin continues in a calm voice, proving she can still read my damned mind. “You and Sam’s dad. And you’re way too upset to plan a perfect crime right now.”
“I’m fine,” I snap.
“You broke your hand hitting a wall, Danny,” Caitlin says. “You would end up making a mistake and you and Sam would end up losing everything that matters.”
I glance at her out of the corner of my eye. “But I don’t hear you telling me it’s wrong.”
“You know me better than that,” she says softly, sounding tired after only a few minutes of conversation. “But you can’t take the law into your hands right now. You would get caught. All the cards are stacked against you. And I love you and Sam too much to let you leave here without speaking my mind. Whether you listen or not is up to you.”
I swallow hard, fighting the tears that simmer as close to the surface these days as my rage. “Then what do I do? I can’t let them get away with it. They can’t do that to her and walk free. It will kill me, just…eat me alive. Just thinking about it is enough to make me fucking crazy, Caitlin.”
“So you wait until you’re not crazy anymore,” Caitlin says, leaning in close and dropping her voice to a whisper. “You go to Sam, and while you’re healing and loving your way out of the hell you’ve both been through, you plan every single detail in advance. Take at least a year, longer if you can. Give them time to stop looking over their shoulders and make sure you have an airtight alibi. Then, if you still need this…”
I hold her eyes. “You’re serious?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
“As long as you can do it without exchanging one thing that will eat you alive for another.” She takes my hand again, making me aware of how cold her skin is. “And don’t let it change you. You’re a good man, Danny. I wouldn’t want you to lose that, or stop believing that you deserve happiness.”
“It doesn’t matter what I deserve,” I whisper. “We don’t get what we deserve.”
“And thank goodness sometimes for that.” Caitlin smiles sadly. “I’m so sorry for all of this Danny, but I believe in you and Sam. You will get through this together, I really believe you will.”
* * *
They say time heals all wounds and it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
But when I finally fly into L.A.—getting to the courthouse hours after the not guilty verdict has been announced, thanks to a delay in Chicago—I know I will never be healed. I will never stop wanting vengeance for the girl I love.
I search for Sam at her apartment and at the extended stay hotel where her roommate says Sam and her parents were staying during the trial. But the Collinses checked out this morning and Sam is nowhere to be found.
I call Mr. Collins, but all he’ll tell me is that Sam drove off while he and his ex-wife were checking out of the hotel and hasn’t been answering her phone. The terse tone in his voice infers that somehow that’s my fault. He hangs up before I can tell him how sorry I am that things ended up the way they did and refuses to answer my calls for the next few days.