I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
And then another.
Somehow when we talk, what I want to say comes out all wrong. Bree says I can be insensitive without even trying.
I’d always liked my brother’s wife.
Anyway, I wanted you to know I will not betray your confidence with Mom. And when you get here, I’d really like it if we could sit down and talk. I promise to listen.
I frowned at the screen. Did he really want to talk—or listen? Or was this just a ploy to get me to take his medical advice?
Olympia and Lane can’t wait for you to arrive. Oly says you can sleep in her room and you can even have the top bunk.
That brought a little smile. I was excited to see the kids, and sometimes it was the thought of them that made me think hard about treatment. It would be nice to see them grow up. But at what price?
Sighing, I pushed myself off the wall and headed for the front door. I wouldn’t think about that now. Nor would I worry about mending my relationship with my brother.
Today, the only person I cared about was Maren.
Nine
Maren
I was so happy, I was tempted to sing in the shower. The only thing that prevented me from doing it was the thought that Dallas might hear me. I am good at many things, but singing is not one of them. Growing up, my sisters always wondered how someone with a gift for dance could be so totally tone deaf.
But I did allow myself to hum “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” as I washed my hair. I knew I shouldn’t get too carried away where Dallas was concerned—he was only staying one more day, and it wasn’t as if he had mentioned any kind of commitment to seeing each other beyond that. But it was hard not to be hopeful.
The other thing that had me in such a good mood was the long stretch of nightmare-free sleep. It was still a little troubling (not to mention embarrassing) that I’d had the nightmare while sleeping next to Dallas, since I’d thought that forgiveness and making amends would soothe my subconscious, but maybe I had to give it more time. Let the message really sink in deep.
I was a bit concerned about what had happened in the hotel room this morning—for a second there, I’d thought Dallas was going to pass out. He’d seemed to recover quickly afterward, but I’d been relieved when he agreed to let me drive to my house. It was obvious he hadn’t liked it, and he’d been a bit silent and sullen during the ride, but he must have known it was the responsible decision. And his Man Ego would survive.
I turned off the water, squeezed out my hair, and grabbed my towel. I had just stepped out of the shower when I heard Dallas’s voice coming through the screen. It sounded like he was angry. Yelling at someone. I frowned and moved closer to the window, wrapping my towel tightly around my chest.
“Fuck you, Finn!” He yelled. “You don’t know anything about me or how I feel.”
I covered my mouth with one hand. I couldn’t see him, but his voice was coming from over to the right, as if he had walked into the backyard. A moment later, he went on angrily.
“Do you know what it was like constantly living in your shadow? You weren’t even there and yet you were, being better than me at everything in every way. Better at school, better at music, better at impressing adults, better at making good choices. You had done everything so right that there was no room for mistakes. I didn’t stand a chance, so what what the point of trying? And maybe that’s unfair to you, that’s how I felt then and it’s a hard thing to get over.”
Tears came to my eyes. Poor Dallas. No matter how much time had gone by, no matter what he looked like on the outside, somewhere inside him was the boy he’d been, the one who had never been good enough in his parents’ eyes. He’d never talked about it much, but I had always suspected it hurt him more than he let on that they didn’t appear to take pride in him. That his brother had clearly been the favorite. That he felt he would never measure up. Hearing him admit it now broke my heart.
“But forget it, Finn. I apologize, okay?” Then he lowered his voice, and a lawnmower came on next door, so it was too hard to hear what he said next. But he wandered past the window a few seconds later, and I heard him say, “I’m staying in Detroit another night or two. I’ll be there in time for the appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday.”