I try to breathe, but the darkness enters through my nostrils and blocks my throat. Should it be solid like this? I clutch my hands around my neck, test my mouth and nose, but there's nothing. Even so, I can't breathe. I struggle and I gulp, but nothing happens.
Nothing ever does. It's like I'm stuck in an endless black hole, sucking me in, keeping me frozen in time and space. No matter how hard I fight, I can't get rid of it, and I can't escape. I'm stuck in an infinite source of pain and anguish.
And then I wake up.
I take mouthfuls of air, relishing in the fresh oxygen that rushes through my veins, that fills my lungs to the max. A nightmare. That was just a nightmare. Vivid, painful, awful nightmare. There's nothing to worry about. I hug myself in my bed, waiting for my heartbeat to go back to normal, closing my eyes once more, hoping I won't go back into that hole of nothingness...
Then I remember my reality isn't much further off. Real life has turned into a nightmare too.
I raise my hands, peering at them, but it's too dark to see anything. Closing and opening my fingers, I test for the texture. Is there blood on my hands? Am I washed in fae blood? Is the color the same as humans’? The same as mine?
Apollo's dead. I let one of my mates die right in front of me because I hesitated. I freaking hesitated. Even with all this power, even knowing Prince wasn't there to make friends, I paused. I should have blown everything up in the beginning.
Tears slide down my cheeks. I swallow them, try to make them silent. I don't even know where I am. Did the boys get me after I passed out? Did they leave me behind? Am I in some police station now, or maybe in a hospital? I pry my ears, but no sounds come. There's the faint murmur of steps outside, far away, and that's all.
Did the boys really leave me? Did they take a look at how dangerous it is to be with me, how they could die at any moment, and take off? More tears well in my eyes, and this time a sob crawls up my throat, one I can't stop.
Apollo is dead. I killed Prince, and I don't even feel guilty. There's not a drop of guilt inside me, again. The only thing I regret is not killing him earlier, so he wouldn't hurt my mate. Images of Apollo flash in the back of my mind and my heart squeezes. Fuck, I miss him so much. I didn't even tell him I'm in love with him. I'm in love with all of them, and we haven't even said it.
How much of this feeling is real, and how much is my head making things up because we're together in a unique situation?Can people even fall in love this fast?
I keep crying, shuddering with sobs until something moves on the foot of the bed. I swallow my tears and wait. With a whine, a furry body joins mine, pressing close. I drape my arm over Oreo’s body, bringing him against my chest. A sigh escapes me. He's with me. At least he's with me. I cuddle him closer and cry into his soft fur, even as he tries to lick my tears away.
Then another movement makes me stop. This time, the steps are quiet but heavy, the intensity of a presence pressing closer. I tense, but the hand that closes around my foot is gentle and cold like stone.
"Cass?" Tristan voices, merely a whisper, careful like his personality. "You awake?"
I clear my throat. "I am." They didn't leave me behind. Relief shakes my body with such strength new tears flood my face.
Tristan sits next to me, the mattress dipping to his weight. "Are you hurt?" His hands come up my legs to my arms. "Do you need a doctor?"
"No, I'm okay." Or as okay as someone can be in this situation.
Something moves on the mattress to my right, on the other side of the pup. A new pair of hands reach for my face, this time warm and rough. "You okay?"
Ren is here too. They didn't leave me behind. A sob wrecks its way up my throat, and I throw my arms around his neck, hugging him close. I cry, and Ren sits up, bringing me to his lap, dog and everything, cradling me as I sob on his shoulder.
"It's alright," Ren breathes against my hair, brushing it down my back. "We're here. You're not alone."
How did he know? How did he know that's what I feared the most? That they would leave me after they saw how dangerous it is to stick around? Even if that would be the wise choice, I'm still scared to death to see them go. I don't think I can do this alone, whatever this is.
The lights flick on and I slam my eyelids shut to avoid them. It takes a moment for my eyes to get used to it, and I turn to glimpse at a half-naked Tristan from over my shoulder as he joins us on the mattress again. Usually, I'd be all over him in a moment, dying to lick at his exposed pecs. Not tonight.
"Do you feel better with the lights on?" he asks, worry across his eyes.
I chuckle softly amid the tears. "Not really, but you can leave them on."
Ren pulls back, wiping the tears off my face with the back of his hands. "Why are you crying, Cass?" The way he says my name is careful, gentle, a soft caress over my sore body.
I take deep breaths, but the tears don't stop coming. "This is fucked up."
"What is?"
"Everything. Being this Shadow Mage. Everyone wanting to use me for their wicked agendas. My weird power." I raise my hands to throw them up, then I see the tips of my fingers. The dark staining them has grown to the middle of each finger, covering the first two knuckles. I gape at them. "Fuck, this is so messed up."
Ren covers both my hands in his. I meet his eyes. "We don't know what it means. It doesn't mean it's fucked up or wrong or anything."
I jerk my hands back, spreading my fingers so they can see it. "How could this be anything good? You don't wake up one day with your fingers black like this and think 'oh, this might be a good sign'. This power is rotting me!"