“Here are the personnelreports, Bill,” I sigh, depositing a stack of folders on his desk.
He raises an eyebrow at me, wrinkling his papery skin. “Already?”
I’ve been focusing on work lately, like I should have been all along. I might be scaring my boss with a new level of productivity and engagement in meetings.
Anything to not think about it.
“Let me know if you need any more changes made,” I tell Bill, and leave before he can say anything else.
To my relief, the constant ache of want and need that used to live between my thighs is gone. Or at least, it’s migrated. Most of the time now it sits on my clavicle, and every time I sigh it hollows out my chest a little more.
It was the right decision, I tell myself for the hundredth time.
I tell myself that a few more times as an email from Monster Resources shows up in my inbox, sending a spike of panic into my chest.
Reading the email does little to stem the anxiety brewing in my chest. Gwen from that first MR meeting is requesting a follow up, suggesting a few hours from now if my calendar is open.
That's really just a formality, the company has calendar sharing software. She's probably already checked my calendar and knows I'm free.
There's always an impending sense of doom when working at Evil Co, but it's been heavier lately. I've been wondering how long it would take someone to find that elevator security footage and report it. The worry had haunted my every moment.
And now that wait is over.
It tears little rips in my chest to ping Bill and Melanie that I’m going to miss our usual coffee break chat.
Melanie writes back a quick, “But I brought hazelnut coffee creamer this week!” to which Bill types out an emoticon I cannot discern the expression of.
I don’t tell them that I’m probably not going to any other informal coffee breaks.
In some way, that email from MR both heightens my anxiety and relieves it: I know where this is going, I've been here before.
But the difference is this time, I know how to survive it.
I've been updating my resume and cover letter bit by bit the last week or so, deleting a word, rewriting it, then replacing it again with a word that's probably just as good. I've been checking job listings and filling out my information over and over again, a process that is as inefficient as it is torturous, the crown jewel of evil empirism.
I've done everything to protect myself right. I'll come out of this better than I did the last time.
It doesn't feel like it, though. It still hurts in all the places I thought I was putting armor over.
I send back a short reply to Gwen, and start going through my desk. I start tossing things in the trash, making a pile of things I can take home. I log out of all my accounts, halfheartedly thinking it'll make things easier for whoever has to reset the machine and make a login for the next employee.
I pack my purse with as much as will fit in it, and stack everything else on one end of my desk. Maybe I'll get a cardboard box from Gwen and I don't need to make multiple trips to get everything back to my car. Something about having to make more than one trip feels like it would sap my dignity.
I watch the clock tick down to my meeting with Gwen.
I should take the elevator. I don't like going into the elevator anymore because it makes me think too much about that moment, that free, wild with abandon, recklessly happy moment. When I take the elevator now, I feel the electric stare boring into me.
But Khent's more likely to take the stairs. He doesn't like how the swiftness of the elevator makes his ears pop.
I sigh and try not to dwell on the memory of when he had told me that, one of the nights at his apartment when I'd wondered aloud how we had never run into each other before. Just another thing I need to crumple up and put in the wastebasket.
Such a small detail, so inconsequential. And dumb, too. Who cares that he has a sensitive inner ear? It shouldn't feel like a treasure.
So I should take the elevator, to avoid him.
A few minutes before the appointmented meeting time arrives as I'm scrolling absently through my phone. I sigh and it takes a few tries to find the strength to push away from my desk, gather myself up for the meeting. I straighten up my appearance before heading out into the hall.
It's quiet in the halls. In a way, corporate buildings all look alike on the inside. There's not going to be much I miss about the place. Maybe a couple people I was close with, like Lily. Maybe we’ll friend each other on ChainLinkedin. And finding somewhere else to work means I’ll leave all the mess of these last few weeks with Khent behind.