I frowned. “Don’t remind me.”
“You know what you’re going to do?”
Over the last week, I’d flip-flopped a half dozen times. The problem was, my head thought one thing was right, and my heart had a different idea. I sighed. “I’m pretty sure I’m going to change my mind twenty times between now and eight AM tomorrow.”
Holden nodded. “I get it. I can’t even decide which sneakers to put on most days, much less the shit you’re dealing with. What does Billie think of all this?”
“She’s been pretty damn amazing. Not sure I would be as supportive as she’s been if the shoe were on the other foot and she was considering marrying some other dude. But Billie’s been adamant that she thinks I should marry Maya.”
Holden eyebrows jumped. “Really?”
“She doesn’t want me to put Saylor at risk in any way. She said neither of our feelings matter, only protecting my little girl.”
“Wow.”
I drank some of the beer in front of me. “I know. She’s the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. You wanna know something fucked up?”
Holden smirked. “Fucked up is my middle name, my friend.”
“Last night I had a dream that Billie was pregnant with our baby. She was like six months along and had this big, round belly, and I couldn’t keep my damn hands off of her.”
My buddy smiled. “Have you told her you’re in love with her yet?”
I shook my head. “Not in so many words. To be honest, I sort of chickened out and told her I was falling for her instead of already in love with her.”
“How come?”
I shrugged. “It doesn’t feel fair to lay that on her with everything going on. I don’t want to make it harder for her to walk away if that’s what she needs to do.”
“You’ve been talking, but have you listened to what you’ve said the last few minutes? You’re both putting each other first, over your own happiness. She’d rather you marry some other broad to protect Saylor, and you don’t want to tell her you love her so it makes it easier for her to dump your ass. Do you really think not saying the words makes them any less true for either of you?”
I ran my finger over the condensation on the beer bottle’s label. “I guess not. But it feels selfish to put that on her right now.”
Holden caught my eyes. “I’ve been there. But you know what failing to speak your truth gets you?”
“What?”
“A night of watching the girl you’re crazy about hold hands with her fiancé years later. Which in turn makes you get shitfaced drunk and go home with a random woman who yells out the wrong name when she orgasms and then hands you your pants ten minutes later as she tells you she needs to get up early the next morning.”
My brows drew together. “You saw Lala?”
Holden nodded. “Played a gig in Philly the other night. She came in with her fiancé, Dr. Douchebag.”
“What did he do that makes him a douchebag?”
My friend looked me square in the eyes. “He was holding Lala’s hand.”
It was the first time Holden had spoken about Lala—what we called Ryan’s little sister Laney—since the week after Ryan’s funeral, when he’d gotten drunk and admitted to me that he’d had feelings for her for a very long time. I’d suspected as much, but I’d kept my mouth shut because it was none of my business. Besides, Lala could handle herself. She was smarter than all of us boneheads put together.
“How is she?”
“All grown up…” Holden looked away for a moment. “My point is, if you think she’s the one, tell her. Don’t beat around the bush or feel guilty for the way you feel. Take it from me, there’s a reason love and lose are only one letter apart. It’s so damn easy to miss the boat and wind up with the wrong one.”
Damn. And here I’d thought his crush on Lala had long passed. Holden was the last person I would’ve thought could give insightful advice on love, yet he’d gotten his point across loud and clear. I nodded. “Thanks, buddy. You’re right. I’m going to nut up and make sure Billie knows I’m more than falling for her.”
He nodded. “So how does it work if you marry Maya? Do you move in with her and shit?”
“No fucking way. It would be a piece of paper only. I wouldn’t have any contact with her at all other than the interview required for immigration. I’ve been reading up. My lawyer had said the process usually takes about nine months, but I’ve also read that sometimes shit slows down, and it can take a few years. The only possible way I could do it is if I could forget Maya exists during that time. I wouldn’t even want to know where she lives.”