I suspected Brayden would tell Colby he saw me, though. Maybe now would’ve been a good time to reach out to Colby and finally respond to his text. But then I caught myself: I was getting too wrapped up in my fears and emotions. Colby and I were supposed to be on a break. So I decided to leave it that way.
***
After I locked up the shop, I opted to walk home to clear my head. As I did, guilt started to seep in about not having responded to Colby’s text and about Brayden seeing me with Eddie. I didn’t want to hurt Colby any more than he was already hurting. I decided after I got home, I would take a hot shower and think about what I wanted to say before texting him back tonight.
When I got to my apartment, there was a large envelope sitting outside my door. It was addressed to me. The return address was Colby’s.
I took it inside and opened it to find a stack of letters written on yellow legal-pad paper. And a note from Colby.
I’m supposed to be taking notes every day on the woman I’m living with, but when I’m alone at night, all I want to do is write to the one I’m in love with. I wasn’t going to show you any of these. They were written for my own therapeutic benefit—for my sanity, as a place for me to put all of these feelings while I am unable to tell you directly. I’ve written to you almost every night since you disappeared from my day-to-day life. If you want the truth about what’s going on inside my head, you can find it here. You know where you cannot find the truth, though? Through one quick snapshot in time, a silly moment of misunderstanding like the other day at the train station.
The first letter really hit me in the feels:
Billie,
Okay. It hasn’t even been that long, and I’m already going out of my mind. I’m not gonna make it through without seeing you. This sucks worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. I miss your laugh. I miss the way your ass feels warm against my dick when I spoon you at night. I miss the way Saylor lights up whenever you walk in the room. I miss your toothbrush. I know that’s a strange thing to miss, but the first time you left your toothbrush in the holder in my bathroom, it meant something to me, that you planned to come back time and time again. And now it’s gone.
I read each and every letter until I got to the last one, written the day I saw him at the subway.
Billie,
I feel like I’m losing you, and I’m not gonna lie: I’m freaking out about it. I’ve never felt so damn scared about anything. At the same time, I’m afraid to push you over the edge. I agreed to your request that we wouldn’t be in contact for a while, so I suppose my writing to you right now instead of picking up the phone is me keeping my end of the bargain.
Every night before bed, Saylor asks if you’re ever coming back. I always assure her that you are. My answer to her tonight was no different. But a small part of me worried that for the first time I was lying to her about you.
As painful as it was running into you a little while ago, it was SO damn good to see you. I was in a better mood earlier today than I had been in a while because we’d just left the Stokes hearing. I was so damn relieved to be out of that torture. And it went better than I thought it would. As we were heading back, I tripped over a random shoe, fell on my ass, and split my pants. Split my fucking pants, Billie. It was freaking ridiculous and hysterical. And so I laughed. I hadn’t laughed that hard in a while. Pretty sure it had needed to come out. That’s when I saw you. And you know how that went.
What you haven’t seen is everything else that’s happened since you’ve been gone—like me lying in bed at night aching for you, praying tomorrow won’t be the day you come to your senses and realize this is all too much for you to handle. You deserve so much better, but I’m too selfish to let you go, Billie. I love you too damn much. So I’m gonna fight for you. I’m not giving up on us, even if at the moment you hate me. Hate me if you want. Just don’t leave.
All my love,
Colby
AKA Pantless in the City
I smiled at that last part. It took me a long while to figure out my next move. I was mentally exhausted from all of the emotions reading his words had conjured up.