I narrowed my eyes. “Why is it a nightmare? Isn’t all your family there?”
She looked down into her plate. “It’s a very long story.”
I leaned in. “Well, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve put my entire life on hold for you. I think at the very least, I deserve to know why your nightmare has now become my nightmare.”
She exhaled and nodded. “You’re right.” She wiped her eyes. “You do deserve to know.”
I leaned back and folded my arms. “So…what is it?”
Maya buried her face in her hands. “I shouldn’t be here, Colby.”
“Well, that’s for damn sure. I’m counting the days until we’re done with this arrangement.”
She looked up at me. “No…I mean, I should be dead.”
My jaw dropped. What the hell is she talking about?
“I tried to kill myself back in Ecuador.” She shook her head slowly. “But I’m such a failure, I couldn’t even do that correctly. So I’m still here. But I shouldn’t be.”
I sat with my mouth hanging open. I might have hated her, but I certainly didn’t wish her dead. “What happened?” I finally asked.
She stared off for a moment. “Six years ago, I was working as a nanny back home. Ironically, I was taking care of a little girl around Saylor’s age.” She paused. “One day, while I was watching her, I got absorbed by something on my phone. It couldn’t have been more than a minute that I was checking Facebook. Rocio was in her room, so I figured it was safe to take a break. I had no idea that she’d snuck out. She’d gone out the back door that led to the pool.”
I gulped. I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and as the parent of a little girl, it made me absolutely sick.
With tears in her eyes, Maya went on. “She fell in, and I never even knew. When I went to her room to check on her, she was gone. I went crazy, searching the entire house, but while I was inside looking, she was outside in the pool, drowning. Finally, I noticed the back door open and realized she had fallen into the pool. I found her lying face down in the water. I tried to save her, but she was already dead when I got to her. I called for help, but it was too late.”
Oh man. “Shit.” I then muttered words I never thought she’d hear from me. “I’m sorry.”
“Her parents told my family they’d better never see me again. They made sure everyone in our town knew what had happened. My family couldn’t handle the negative talk and the gossip. My father lost his job over it, and my family alienated me.” She stared at the ceiling as she began to cry again. “Everyone hated me. But they couldn’t hate me more than I hated myself. I tried to take pills one night to end it all, but I didn’t take enough. Someone found me lying in the street and took me to the hospital where they pumped my stomach.”
This is so sad and fucked up. “God…” I whispered.
“In the hospital,” she said, “I met a sweet nurse, the first person to ask me what was wrong and truly listen to my side of things. She found me a doctor to talk to. They got me help. I started to believe maybe I deserved forgiveness and a second chance. But I knew I needed to get away from my family and the people in my town because they would only have me believing I deserved to be dead. So I started saving money for a ticket, and took off to the US, vowing to leave my family behind and never look back. When my visa expired, I stayed here illegally. I have nothing back in Ecuador but shame. I feel like I’ll die if I ever have to go back there.”
“So you got here and started dancing right away?”
She nodded. “Yes. It was the only job I could get. And the owners of that club didn’t care that I wasn’t here legally, only that I took my clothes off and made them money.”
“Are you still stripping?”
“Yes. For a different club.” She smiled slightly. “I’ll never forget the night I met you. I’d never had a more handsome client—someone who actually made me nervous. Your friends paid for a private dance for you, and we went to the back room together. You probably assumed that because of what I did with you, I slept with everyone. But that wasn’t true. You were the first client I ever had sex with. You don’t have to believe me, but it’s the truth, Colby. You were drunk. I was a little, too, but I knew what I was doing. I wanted to feel good for one night, forget about all the miserable memories. I never imagined I’d get pregnant. We used a condom. And I was on the pill. But looking back, I hadn’t been good about always remembering to take it. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was yours. Because there had been no one else. But I also knew I couldn’t keep the baby. I would never allow myself to take care of another child after what happened to Rocio. I wasn’t capable of being a mother. And I didn’t deserve to bring life into this world when I was responsible for the loss of another.” She breathed out. “But I didn’t want to have an abortion. I didn’t know what to do, and I didn’t know how to tell you. I kept putting it off until I finally just…had her. After she came out, she was so perfect. I was even more sure I needed to give her up so I wouldn’t ruin her.” She looked over at me. “She looked just like you. I knew that was the sign I needed to give her to you. She was yours. Always yours. And that’s when I dropped her off. I hated myself for giving her up, but I knew it was best for her. Clearly, I was right.”