Why in the hell had I flirted with Brynne? She was so sweet and innocent, definitely green behind the ears. Her confused expression told me she hadn’t had much experience with guys. On the one hand, I was glad. She wasn’t tainted by the evils of the world despite being the daughter of a violent monster.
Brynne was a lot like her mom, Tina. Loving and caring, soft-spoken. But I sensed there was a side I had yet to see. She was strong and determined and took no shit from anyone when pushed into a corner. Brynne had all the qualities I appreciated and valued in a woman. She reminded me a lot of my mom.
Dammit. How could I allow myself to get close to a woman who could never be mine? The more time I spent with her, the more difficult it became not to cross the line.
I dreamed about her. Lusted over her.
Knowing she was my family should keep me in line.
What kind of wicked son of a bitch was I?
Brynne’s world would soon crash and burn. And I’d be the asshole who lit the match.
“Fuck!” I slammed on the gas pedal of Espada’s Chevy Monte Carlo, climbing up the mountain toward the little house I’d been living in the past couple of months. I veered toward the edge, tempting fate, then jerked the wheel to put me back in the center of the road—to safety.
Plummeting off the cliff seemed reasonable. Even kind in a sick sense if my death prevented Brynne from hating me.
On the bright side, I’d spend eternity with my mama.
Scratch that thought.
My mom was in Heaven, and I’d be south of her after all the horrible things I’d done. Most recently, lying and deceiving the most incredible, beautiful,trustingwoman I’d ever met.
“Son of a bitch!” My innards knotted up, my breathing hitching as I reconsidered driving right off the mountain. I narrowed my gaze, gritting my teeth and squeezing the steering.
Do it motherfucker. Just do it and be done with all this shit. Do it!
I pressed harder on the gas pedal, playing chicken with the universe. I wasn’t afraid to die. Nobody lived forever; some died too young, like my mom and AJ.
Maybe the time had arrived for me to join them.
My dad’s ringtone snapped me out of the madness. I turned sharply and slammed on the brakes. The back of the Chevy fishtailed, kicking up a cloud of dirt around the vehicle. “Shit, come on. Stop. Stop!” My end-it-all tune suddenly changed to save me.
If another car came around the corner, we’d smash into each other, and knowing my luck, the people in the other vehicle would perish because of me.
Finally, getting control of the cage, I gulped in oxygen and pressed my hand against my pounding heart. I couldn’t answer the call. Not in the suicidal condition I was in. My old man would sense my duress. Hell, he might’ve already, which was why he called. Or perhaps my mama, my personal angel, made him call before I ended it all.
“Why, Mama? You know my pain, the heartache and misery I’ve suffered since your murder. You see how this situation is tearing me up inside. How it’s destroying me almost as much as the day you were gunned down in front of me.” I hung my head, seething through clenched teeth. Saliva slid down my chin, tears blurring my vision. I was a fucking mess.
Thank God no one else was on the road. Drawing attention was the last thing I needed. If I injured an innocent person, it would add to my anguish. My dad and Storm would hear about it, and then what?
I cautiously drove the remainder of the way with my hands positioned at ten and two on the steering wheel. Killing myself wasn’t the answer. I saw that now.
Nonetheless, I’d welcome the opportunity to never feel pain, grief, desire, or love again. But my death would hurt dozens of people. I couldn’t do that to my dad, Storm, my MC brothers, my younger brother Ray, my baby sister, Valerie, and my stepmom. Tina was a loving and kind woman. She’d been there for me during some really shitty days. If I died—I knew without a shadow of a doubt—Tina would be devastated.
“Thank you, Mama, for knocking some sense into me.” I stared up at the clouds and heavens with gratitude in my heart.
I could almost hear her voice saying, “Of course,mijo. Be strong. It’s going to be okay.”
Dad’s ringtone blared again right as I pulled onto the property. His timing was impeccable, as always.
I answered his call. “Hello.”
“Why didn’t you answer?” he asked in a concerned, gruff tone.
“Because I wasn’t alone.”
“Were you with her? Is she okay? She doesn’t suspect anything, does she?” The alarm in his voice made me straighten up like when I was a kid.