“Some old ladies and kittens were shocked you’d be with her.”
“So? I don’t care what they think of me.” I hated getting questioned, especially when I’d been ordered to keep my mouth shut.
“That’s not true. Raymond told me he caught you unloading on the punching bag. He thought you might’ve been crying.”
Jesus Christ. And I thought I had been alone.
“He’s lying.”
“He doesn’t lie, Track.”
“I was just blowing off steam, all right? I need to go. Is there anything else?” I didn’t appreciate her pushing me. I was a grown fucking man, and Tina wasn’t my mother. She needed to back off.
“I’m sorry. Is there anything you need? I miss you, honey.”
Dammit, she made me feel like an asshole. “Look, I’m stressed. I don’t want to screw all this up. I didn’t mean to be short with you.”
“No, no. I understand. You have a lot on your shoulders.” Tina sniffled, a sure sign she was crying. My ice-cold heart cracked. How could I be such a dick to her? “I appreciate everything you’re doing for Brynne and me.”
“Tina, I’m sorry.”
“Shhh. Honey, it’s okay.” Her soft voice made me feel worse. “Take care of my girl. What am I saying? I know you will.” Always kind, caring, and loving. Tina was the best stepmom I could have. “There’s no one I trust more than you.”
A deluge of guilt crashed into me. I was the worst person for what I’d been doing these past weeks.
“I’ll keep Brynne safe.”
“I know you will. Love you, honey.”
“Yeah. Take care. Love you.” I ended the call and paced.
Any second, a lightning bolt would strike me down for being a godawful human.
That was only the second time I’d told Tina I loved her. I shouldn’t have said it. Not because it wasn’t true, but because I had reserved the sentiment for only my mom. It had just come out because I felt guilty, which she probably read through me.
When all this shit was said and done, I’d never be able to look at the fucker staring back at me in the mirror or sleep peacefully. I already struggled internally with the knowledge that I was damned for the rest of my life with no chance of ever being happy.
I changed my shirt and grabbed the black backpack holding a few props I took to Ted’s Peep Club. Tonight would be the last time I brought it. I’d destroy the contents, then turn off my feelings.
No more longing and lusting.
No more dreaming of what might be.
No more Brynne.
6
Track
Espada and I entered the private sex club, nestled in Montana’s pine trees and mountains. My MC brother introduced me to the place when I first arrived. He called it a “bonding adventure.” Little had he known; I was into kinky shit—just never been in a sex club before.
Strangely, Ted’s Peep Club felt like home. Scantily clad women milling about like the kittens back home. Smokey air. Loud music. Glowing neon signs. It all screamedhome.
For the first time in weeks, I could breathe. Let loose and be me.
And who was I?
Damaged came to mind. Phony came next.