“You will not tell us?”
“I do not think it necessary. My warning should be enough.”
The fire blew into flame.
“I shall depart so that you might speak openly to Lady Havisham, my Lord.” Deborah dropped into a long, lingering curtsey, a little sarcasm creeping into her voice. “I should not like to overhear you inform Lady Havisham that you consider someone such as I – with no dowry to speak of and forced into employment as a companion – would be entirely unsuitable as a match for Lord Harrogate.”
Lord Havisham frowned.
“Miss Fullerton, there is no need –”
“I am well aware of your opinion of me, Lord Havisham.” The fire within her was burning hotter and hotter and Deborah was all too aware that she was speaking inappropriately but could not hold herself back. “You made that very clear to me last evening. I appreciate that Lord Harrogate is your dear friend and that you should not wish to have him connected to someone such as I, therefore you need not go into particulars. I can assure you that, should the near impossible situation come about where he might show the faintest of interest in my company, I will turn away from it without hesitation. I do hope that satisfies you.”
She did not linger to hear his response, all too aware of the shock expressed in Lady Havisham’s wide eyes and ajar mouth but turned and quit the room without another word.
* * *
The garden was rather beautiful,Deborah had to admit. She had been wandering through here for the last few minutes, breathing out the anger which still smoked within her. The words he had thrown at her last evening still rang around in her mind and she had no doubt that Lord Havisham’s hesitation to speak had only fueled her anger still further. Deborah was all too aware that she had spoken out of turn and with very little consideration for her position within Lord Havisham’s household, but she had been entirely unable to hold it within herself any longer. She did not need to be told of how low a position Lord Havisham considered her to be in – he had already made that very clear indeed.
Seeing the small wooden bench by the wall of roses, Deborah sank down carefully, making sure not to let her skirts catch on the thorns. Closing her eyes, she let out a small sigh, realizing just how tense the atmosphere would be between herself and Lord Havisham the next time they met.
“Miss Fullerton.”
Her eyes flew open, and she caught her breath. Somehow, Lord Havisham had discovered her and now stood only a few steps away, his hands clasped behind his back and his chest puffed out. His eyebrows were low, and a line had formed between them, making him appear rather foreboding.
Her stomach dropped and she made to rise. Whilst Deborah believed that her anger had been justified, the awareness now of just how upset Lord Havisham was over her response finally struck her. Could he dismiss her? Would he inform his mother that her impertinence would not be tolerated and thus, return Deborah to her father? Just what would become of her then?
“You need not stand, Miss Fullerton.” His voice was low, and Deborah sank back onto the bench, keeping her gaze at his feet rather than up at his face. She found her courage suddenly lacking, and was unable to look into his eyes. “Miss Fullerton, there are some things that I must say to you.” Her eyes closed tightly, a tremor running down through her. “Might I –” The hesitation in his voice had her head lifting, her eyes opening. “Might I sit by you, Miss Fullerton?”
Astonishment caught her tongue, and it was all she could do to nod. In a moment, Lord Havisham had changed from the angry, frustrated gentleman to one who now appeared to be deeply uncertain. His eyebrows had lifted, his frown had smoothed, and it now seemed thathewas the one unable to look at her. His eyes were shifting from left to right, never once landing on her, and certainly not lingering on her either. When he sat down, Deborah was aware of the heat of his body, so close to hers, as well as the rippling tension which seemed to run in waves from the top of her head to her toes.
She curled her fingers up tightly together, one hand over the other. The few silent seconds were almost impossible for her to endure, and on three separate occasions, she opened her mouth to speak, only to close it again when she realized that she had nothing she could really say.
“I…” Lord Havisham cleared his throat and closed his eyes tightly for a moment, his lips pulling into a flat line. “Miss Fullerton, I have not been fair.” Looking at her, he spread his hands. “I am all too aware of my words, Miss Fullerton. You have judged me just as I deserved.” Deborah blinked in confusion, having very little understanding of what he meant. “I can see that I have perplexed you.” Sighing, Lord Havisham ran one hand over his eyes, then dropped it back onto his lap. “Miss Fullerton, when it comes to Lord Harrogate and my reluctance to permit him to court you, I can assure you that it has nothing to do with your standing.”
A small, disbelieving laugh fled from her lips before Deborah could prevent it and she lowered her head immediately in embarrassment.
“You do not believe me but, as I have said, I can well understand your difficulty. You have judged me just as I deserve. I have not made you welcome in this house. I have not acknowledged your presence often and have been rude enough not to even greet you. My mother is right; I have been harsh and unkind.” He took in a deep breath as though it had taken him a great deal of strength to say such a thing. “The reason I did not wish to discuss Lord Harrogate, Miss Fullerton, is not at all what you believe. Rather, it is quite the opposite.” His lips tugged gently as she lifted one eyebrow, unconvinced. “Lord Harrogate has been my acquaintance and my friend for many years. Believe me when I tell you that he isnota gentleman you ought to consider.”
Trying desperately to remove the tightness from her throat, Deborah lifted her chin a notch, hoping she appeared calm and steady.
“And why should that be, Lord Havisham? If it is not because of my lowly status, then what else might the matter be?"
"It has naught to do with you!” Much to her astonishment, Lord Havisham practically threw himself out of his seat, his arms gesticulating furiously. “It is Lord Harrogate who concerns me!”
At this, Deborah’s eyes widened in utter astonishment as Lord Havisham ran one hand over his face and then threw his head back for a moment, gazing up to the sky.
“Lord Harrogate seeks a wife who will not be concerned by his continued dalliances and the like,” he finished, eventually looking back at her, his hands now falling to his sides. “As much as I have not shown you the respect that I ought, I fear that Lord Harrogate would treat you all the worse. That is not something I cannot have on my conscience, as weak and as useless as it might be at present.” The tightness in Deborah’s throat returned with such force that she could not even swallow. All that she had flung at Lord Havisham suddenly came back upon her shoulders, pushing her down with both shame and utter mortification. She had not given him the opportunity to explain himself, and had ended up believing the very worst about his character, although it was not as though she had reason not to do so. “You are not to blame yourself, Miss Fullerton. I only wish to assure you that it was naught to do with your current standing as regards Lord Harrogate but simply because his character is not what a gentleman’s ought to be.”
Deborah could not look at him. Her face burned and her fingers twisted together.
“Thank you, Lord Havisham.”
“And I – for my part, Miss Fullerton, will make certain not to speak to you without respect and consideration.” His voice dropped a little. “I confess that I have been unkind and thoughtless and for that, I do beg your forgiveness.”
The ache in her throat grew, but Deborah forced words to her lips.
“But of course.”