“Take a break,” Levin says, his voice pleased. “You’re doing well. Perhaps we should go in?”
I glance over at Viktor, hoping he’ll agree. I’m out of breath and tired, but he shakes his head, his arms crossed over his chest and his face hard. “No,” he says firmly. “Continue until you’ve gone through all of the moves that I instructed you to show her preliminarily.”
“I’m not sure—” Levin starts to say, and Viktor’s blue gaze turns dangerous.
“As you wish,Ussuri.” Levin’s tone changes instantly, and I look at Viktor, seeing again the man that I’m used to, the one who inspires fear and obedience even in a man like Levin. A man who even the strongest of other men fear.
I don’t know how to reconcile that man with the one who bathed me tenderly, who fed me eggs and insisted I take care of myself.
I don’t know how they can exist within the same person.
“Alright,” Levin says, turning back to me, his tone hinting at veiled reluctance. “We’re going to try escaping a headlock. Gently, but I want you to learn the motion.”
I look at his arms, uncertainty flooding me. I don’t see how I could ever escape anything that strong, gentle or not—and anyone attacking me certainly isn’t going to be gentle. But I haven’t exactly been given an option, so I take a deep breath, nodding as I face him.
“I’ll do my best.”
Levin gives me a look that could almost be described as kind, though I can’t be sure. “I’m going to put my arm around your neck and pull you back, not quite up against me but close, and move your other arm behind your back. I’ll be careful of your injuries. This is less about truly breaking free of a real grip and more about learning the movements.”
I nod, unsure of what to say. I brace myself, and when he moves towards me, I think I’m ready for it. But when he grabs my shoulders, turning me and encircling my neck with his arm, I feel a cold burst of terror that leaves me frozen in place, my heart pounding in my chest so hard that it hurts. It feels like it’s going to burst out of my ribs. I only barely register him reaching for my arm, moving it behind my back in a careful motion that’s anything but rough, but only serves to compound the terror.
He’s holding me lightly, keeping my body away from his—certainly because he knows as well as I do that if any man but Viktor pulled me up against him that there would be hell to pay. I can’t imagine Viktor standing by and letting any man touch me that intimately, no matter the purpose.
I almost wish it was sexual. Up until now, Levin has only barely touched my arms or sides with his hand, and that wasn’t enough to trigger the panic from what I’d been through with Andrei and Stepan. But this is something else, something that reminds me of being held, bound, choked, and I can’t breathe past the fear, the soul-numbing, paralyzing fear.
Dimly, I look at Viktor, and I see his hard face, his set expression. But behind the dark look in his eyes—I think I see something else.
Maybe I’m imagining it. But I think I see worry, concern, as if he’s waiting to see what will happen. If I’ll be able to snap out of it.
Or if I’m too broken, too crippled to fight back.
That thought sends a hot flush of anger through me that thaws the panic just a little. I don’twantto be broken. I don’t want them to have made it so that I can’t ever fight my own fear again, so that something as simple as training with a man who I know wouldn’t hurt me, who answers to my husband, one of the most feared men in the Bratva, can paralyze me like this.
Levin hasn’t let go of me yet. He’s holding me in place, not tightening his grasp but not loosening it either, and I know I’m supposed to be trying to get out. I try to push past the fear, to remind myself that Levin wouldn’t hurt me.
Viktor would kill him if he did.
Right?
It doesn’t help that this reminds me that Viktor has someone whocouldhurt me if he ever decided he wanted to be rid of me. Would Levin do that? I think Levin would follow any order Viktor gave him, no matter what. But if Viktor were going to do that, wouldn’t he have already?
Unless, once again, the kidnapping had been a way to break me, a trick to make me think that Viktor had nothing to do with it.
I’ve got to stop thinking like this.It’s tying me up in knots, making my mind feel as if I’m going insane. I need to focus on one thing right now, getting well.
The rest I can untangle later.
I wriggle in his grasp, trying to break the hold, and I can feel him exerting the tiniest bit of pressure to hold me still. It sends another chill of fear through me, but I grit my teeth, forcing myself to think through it. To keep pushing, keep going. To try.
I twist again, not so hard that I might hurt myself, but hard enough to show that I’m making an effort.
Levin lets go, stepping back, and I gasp, my heart still pounding as I turn to face him.
“That’s an example of a move we’ll work on,” Levin says calmly. “We need to teach your body to ignore that fear reaction. Suppose you’re attacked again and need to defend yourself. In that case, your muscle memory needs to work apart from your body’s natural reaction to run.Everyoneis afraid,” he stresses. “You have more reason to react fearfully than others, but anyone put in that situation will feel a fear response. The purpose of this is to teach you to overcome it.”
Something about the way he says it makes me feel as if he’s trying to reassure me, to make me feel as if I’m not alone in having that cold, panicked reaction. When I glance at Viktor, his face is still set in hard lines, and I can’t tell if he’s pleased with me or not.
“I’ll show you some tactics that an attacker might use,” Levin continues, and I look up at him, wondering why I care so much if Viktor is impressed, or happy, or anything else. He’s making me do this, so he should be pleased no matter what.