19
ISABELLA
The entire night has felt like a whirlwind. I’d expected to meet Niall at theSangreand maybe have a drink or two, return to the hotel, and spend the rest of the night exploring each other. I hadn’t expected the ride out to the desert, the romantic wine beneath the stars on a blanket—or the gift. I hadn’t expected much ofanything, especially at the beginning of all this, but Niall surprises me at every turn. The way he’d touched me under the stars as we lay there, the way he’d made me feel—
The gem on the necklace he gave me is small, delicate, a tiny teardrop laying against my skin, and I can’t believe it’s mine. I can’t believe he thought of giving me something so beautiful. I’ve received jewelry as gifts before, worn my mother’s jewels, but this, to me, is a thousand times more lovely than any of that.
When we step into the hotel room, I feel a flutter of nerves for the first time since Niall reassured me he wasn’t taking me out into the desert for anything nefarious. I’d had plans for what I wanted to ask him tonight, but now that the moment has come, I feel anxious.What if he doesn’t want to? What if he thinks less of me for it?
Niall glances back at me as he shuts the door, and I see him read my face instantly. “What’s wrong?” he asks concernedly, crossing to where I’m standing and stroking my hair softly with one hand. “If you’re having second thoughts—”
The idea of me having second thoughts about another night with him is so ridiculous that I almost laugh, but I bite it back. I don’t want him to think I’m laughingathim.
“No, it’s not that.” My teeth sink into my lower lip, my stomach doing a flip at the idea of having to be so forward about what I want. All of this is still new to me. I wonder how long it takes for the feelings of shyness and nervousness to go away and how women go about becoming accomplished seductresses.What is it like to really be as confident as I wanted to seem that first night in the red dress?
“What is it?” Niall moves closer to me, his fingers trailing through my hair as his other hand goes to my waist. “You can tell me, Gabriela. I’m not going to think less of you, whatever it is.”
The way he somehow seemed to have read my mind eases me more than I would have thought. I can feel some of the tension leave me, and I look up at him, into that dark blue gaze of his that always seems to pierce straight through to my soul.
“You know you were my first…well, now you know, anyway—”
“Yes.” Niall’s mouth twitches. “I’m not angry with you over that, Gabriela, if that’s what this is all about. I was a little at first, but we’ve talked about it, and—”
“No, not that.”God, why is this so hard?
“Is it something you want in bed?” He looks at me keenly, and once again, I have the odd sensation that he’s looked inside of my head and seen exactly what it is that I was trying to say but couldn’t find the words for.
“I—I want you to take the rest of it. My virginity.” The words stumble out of my mouth, tripping over each other, and I feel my face flush. “I mean, I—”
Niall’s eyes widen, a glint of humor in the blue depths along with the surprise. “You want me to fuck you in the arse?”
The flat, matter-of-fact way he says it startles me, but it steadies me too. There’s no judgment in his tone, nothing to make me think that he’s shocked or disgusted by what I’m asking.
The only reasonIeven know it’s possible, that it’s an act others do, is because of books I’ve read, romance novels that talked about it.
“I—yes.” My face flames bright red, but I push forward anyway. “That’s what I was trying to say….”
“Are you sure?” Niall’s eyes crinkle at the corners with uncertainty. “Lass, that’s not something I’d normally do with a girl who was a virgin altogether only a few days ago.”
“But you have done it before?” I push a little, wanting to know, even though the idea of him being with another girl makes me burn with an undeserved jealousy. “You like it?”
Niall laughs, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand. “I don’t know a man who doesn’t. It’s not just the sensation, it’s the—”
“What?” I look at him curiously, and he shrugs.
“It’s taboo, I guess. Not something you’resupposedto do? Fuck if I know. It’s hot—but Gabriela, like I said—”
“I want it to beyou, though,” I say softly. “I trust you.”
“Gabriela—” He lets out a breath. “I’m trying to make sure I do the right thing here. Back home—” Niall presses his lips together, as if he’s trying to parse out his words. “I’m not a gentle man. I am with you, but there are things I’ve done, the world I live in—”
“What are you trying to say?” I don’t understand what he’s trying to tell me, what he’s dancing around so carefully. Who it is that he believes he is that he doesn’t want to fully explain.
“In my world, at home, men aren’t always caring with women. They can be brutal, demanding, and harsh. They take what they want because they believe it’s owed to them. I’ve always tried to not be that way. To treat the women I share my time with, with respect, and—”
The world he’s describing sounds very much like mine, and it makes me curious about him, about his background. But I can tell from the way he’s speaking that he doesn’t want to say much more, and I don’t want to talk about that right now, anyway. I wanthim. “Niall—you’re not taking anything I’m not trying to give you. If you don’t want to—but if you do, please. I trust you—I wantyou.”
What I can’t tell him is my real reasoning. If it’s something men want, then surely my future husband will want it from me—and I don’t want there to be any part of me that he can have for the first time. I know that whoever he turns out to be, he’ll take what he wants from me, just as Niall described. The way he said that makes me think that whatever his life is like back in the States, it might be closer to mine than he realizes, in ways I can never explain to him. We might be more alike than he knows. But whatever happens in the future, I want to give everything to Niall for the first time. I want all of those choices to be mine.