God, he felt so stupid. So damn weak somehow for having to give up his own life because he’d been unable to accept his twin’s death. He rubbed one hand across his mouth, then said, “I took Jack’s dreams and lived them for him. For a while, I lost myself in ski slopes, strangers and enough alcohol to sink a ship.” He snorted ruefully as memories of empty hotel rooms and staggering hangovers rose up to taunt him. “But drinking only made the pain more miserable and even skiing and being anonymous got old fast.”
“You should have talked to me, Sam.”
“And said what?” he asked, suddenly weary to his bones. His gaze locked on hers and everything in him wished that they were still what they had once been to each other. It rocked him a little to realize just how much he wanted her back. How much he still loved her. “What could I possibly have told you, Lacy? That I wasn’t allowed to be happy because Jack was dead? You couldn’t have understood.”
“You’re right,” she said, nodding. “I wouldn’t have. I’d have told you that living was the best way to honor Jack. Living your own dreams. Not his.”
He sighed. She was right and he could see that now. He wouldn’t have then. “My dreams didn’t seem to matter to me once his were over.”
“Did it help?” she asked quietly. “Leaving. Did it help?”
“For a while.” His mouth quirked briefly. “But not for long. I couldn’t find satisfaction in Jack’s dreams because they weren’t mine. But I owed it to him to try.”
She reached up to cup his face in her palms and the soft warmth of her touch slid deep inside to ease away the last of the chill crouched in his heart. God, how had he lived for two years without her touch? Without the sound of her voice or the soft curve of her mouth? How had he been able to stay away from the one woman in the world who made his life worth living?
“Sam,” she said quietly, “you don’t owe Jack your life.”
“I know,” he said, covering her hands with his. It was too early to tell her he loved her. Why the hell should she believe him after what he’d done to their lives? Their marriage? No, he’d sneak up on her. Be a part of her world every day, slowly letting her see that he was here to stay and that he would never leave her again. “That’s why I’m back, Lacy. To rebuild my life. And I want that life to include you.”
“Sam...”
“Don’t say anything yet, Lacy,” he told her. “Just let me prove to you that I can be the man for you.”
Her breath hitched and her eyes went shiny with emotion.
“Let’s just take our time and discover each other again, okay?”
She nodded slowly, and in her eyes he read hope mingled with caution. Couldn’t blame her for it, but he silently vowed that he’d wipe away her trepidation.
“You can trust me, Lacy. I swear it.”
“I want to, Sam,” she whispered, “for more reasons than you know...”
“Just give me a chance.” When he pulled her close, bent his head and kissed her, she leaned into him, curving her body to his, silently letting him know that she was willing to try. And that was all he could hope for. For now.
Tenderness welled up between them and in the soft, flickering firelight, they came together as if it were the first time and the shining promise that was the future was almost in reach.
* * *
Lacy was still smiling the next morning.
She felt as though she and Sam had finally created a shaky bridge between the past and present. At long last, he’d told her what had driven him to leave, and though it still hurt, she could almost understand. As sad as they’d all been when Jack died, for Sam it had to have been even more devastating. Like losing a part of himself. And she could admit, too, that she hadn’t been capable of being what he needed back then. She’d been too concerned with her own insecurities.
When Jack died, all she’d been able to think was thank God it wasn’t Sam. She’d been too young and too untried—untested—to be able to see what Sam was going through, so how could she have helped him?
Now it was as if they were both getting a second chance to do things right. She laid one hand on her belly and whispered to the child sleeping within, “I think it’s going to be all right, baby. Your daddy and I are going to make it happen. Build a future in spite of the past.”
And just to prove to herself—and him—that she was willing to trust him, willing to believe, she had decided to tell him about the baby that night at dinner.