I lower the plate, feeling nauseous all of a sudden. “I know.” I shake my head. “But it’s always going to be a horror show with him. Or have you forgotten the baby shower?”
She flinches at the mention of that day when Pavel put a gun against my brother’s head—when I gave the nod that sealed my brother’s fate.Of course she didn’t forget. How could she?
“Sorry,” I whisper. “I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
She takes my hand. “Stop apologizing.”
“Why shouldn’t I apologize, Willow? I put your life in danger. I put Zoya’s life in danger. And now she—” I choke on the words.
Her hand tightens around mine.
I take a shuddering breath as my face contorts with regret. “That could have been you, Willow.”
“But it wasn’t. Itisn’t. I’m still right here.”
“I know I can’t outrun Pavel,” I admit. “But I have to try. It’s better than letting him lock me in a tower whenever he doesn’t get what he wants. At least I get to have a semblance of my own life now. Whatever that means and wherever it takes me.”
Just like that, it’s like someone flipped a switch in my head, and all the words that I’ve been holding back for these months start pouring out. And I’m powerless to stop them.
“If he locks me up, then I can’t chase my dreams, can I? It’ll just be prison by any other name. A prison of silk and gold, but still a prison. All I’ll be to him is just a glorified broodmare. An endless life of oppressive luxuries and babies. Sure, on the surface, that looks great. But you know that’s not something that I want. I can’t chase my dreams if he keeps me chained in his. But here? Here, I have a chance to start a fresh life. And never deal with the criminal world ever again.”
Willow points at the box television. “Is this the dream you’re chasing?”
“You know what I mean, Willow.”
“All you’ve done is trade one prison for another.”
“You agreed to help,” I scowl. “Or are you regretting that?”
“I just want what’s best for you,” she replies. “What kind of dream is this? By choosing this, you’re on the run, with no career and no future. You’ll be back to scrubbing bars and serving drinks to perverts, or waiting tables and reminiscing about when you got that admissions letter to Weill Cornell.” She loosens her grip on my hand but doesn’t withdraw. “How will this be any different from when you lived with Jonas?”
I shake my head. “Thisisdifferent.”
“Really?” she asks sarcastically. “Because from where I’m at, things don’t look all that different at all.”
Those words strike me hard, and I’m transported back to the sunroom. I can feel Pavel’s fingers on my throat and his lips hovering dangerously close to my mouth.
I push my feelings down.No. I’m not going back. No matter how much I want to.
“This is a much better place than any of the moldy and rat-infested places Jonas and I lived in,” I point out. “It’s better than sleeping under a bridge or in the bed of a monster.”
“You don’t think Pavel can change?”
“How could you ask that after everything you’ve seen?” I’m shocked by the abruptness of her question. “He can’t change, Willow. I told him he was going down a dark path and that he would lose me if he kept walking that path.”
“You never even give him a chance!”
“I gave himplentyof chances, Willow! I handed him my ring and told him I would leave if he didn’t get it together.”
“That’s not giving him a chance, Liya. That’s an ultimatum.”
I’m trying not to cry. I’m trying not to be angry at my best friend for siding with Pavel. She’s supposed to be on my side, yet every word makes me think that maybe—just maybe—I might have made a huge mistake.
“Liya, you didn’t see the way he came after me in the auction. The Pavel I saw then was nothing like the Pavel we saw when he walked into the bar that night.”
I swallow hard. She’s not wrong. But I can’t bring myself to admit it.
I close my eyes, squeezing the tears that have been threatening to fall for hours. As one falls, others follow. A floodgate has been opened, and I embrace the sadness washing over me. But the hole in my chest refuses to disappear. No matter what I do.