Phantom
“We have nothing to say,” I said, turning my chair back around as I pretended to be busy with one of my searches. Technically I was at a loss for what to do. A first for me, but he didn’t need to know that. I had a lot on my plate and having a conversation with him wasn’t one of them.
It was bad enough that he returned, but that didn’t mean we had to talk. He wasn’t the President of this club and I sure as hell didn’t answer to him.
My heart was pounding hard in my chest; I was sure he could hear it. This club had many secrets, enough to choke an elephant, but my past…well, that was mine. My secret, my burden, my cross to bear. I needed him to leave this alone.
We’d made a deal. I stuck to my end of the bargain. I needed him to do the same. The past was in the past. Nothing was going to change that.
If he wanted to help with Ascari, I had no problem with that, but that was where our connection needed to end. I wasn’t the same person he remembered. My life had evolved. I still had wounds that never healed. The pain was too real. I fought my demons every night. I couldn’t reopen old wounds and expect to walk away unscathed this time.
He had to know that.
I was alone for a reason. I preferred it.
I moved on. I found my way back to the living. I had friends. I had my brother. I didn’t need anyone else.
Call me stubborn, but after the hell I survived, I was entitled to be a selfish bitch to keep my sanity. Without my barriers, I would crumble into the darkness. A place I never wanted to see again.
I could feel him behind me. His eyes watching me intently. I always could. It didn’t matter where I was or what I was doing. I knew he was there, in the shadows, watching.
In the beginning, part of me held onto that knowledge, needing that security to get through the trials life had laid before me. The pain I suffered was unimaginable and he never left my side. In those early days, I clung to him, needing his strength when all I wanted to do was to depart this world and never look back.
He wouldn’t let me. He fought my battles, protected me, held me close when the nightmares threatened to consume me. He would have stayed forever, too, if I had asked.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t.
Instead, I made him leave like I did all the others.
I needed to find the part of myself that I had lost. I couldn’t do that if he stayed. I refused to be the person who denied him the life he deserved. A life of happiness and love.
I couldn’t give him that.
I knew that and I believe, on some level, he did too.
The air shifted around me.
I held my breath as his searing heat moved behind me. I could feel his warmth reaching for me, wanting so much to cocoon itself around me. He was onto me. He could see my truth. He always could.
Closing my eyes, I silently begged, pleaded with him.
I wasn’t strong.
Not like everyone believed.
It was all a lie. I played my part to perfection and up until now, no one knew. But he did. He could always see through me. He could see the real me. The broken me. The one who cried herself to sleep. The one who hid away from life, too afraid to step out into the light.
A lone tear rolled down my cheek.
I couldn’t do this.
Not ever.
Our past was dead. Over. There was nothing to talk about. It ended when I walked away and never looked back. Just because he returned didn’t mean a thing. We both had jobs to do. Once they were done, I was going to disappear again. This time, I would make sure he could never find me.
I had to.
I wouldn’t survive if I didn’t.