It was like I was walking through a dark fog most days, searching and screaming for him only to find nothing. I never understood how parents of missing children could live their lives with that kind of pain. Now I knew, and it was something no parent should ever have to go through.
It was the not knowing that was the worst.
My imagination ran wild with all possibilities, and I refused to think about most of them.
I just couldn’t.
My son was my life, the very air in my lungs.
I just wanted to be able to breathe again. I wanted to feel his little arms wrap around my neck and smell his intoxicating scent.
“How are you holding up, Catarina?” Luciano asked, taking a seat next to me. What could I say? I was fine? I would be lying because I wasn’t. Far from it.
So instead, I said nothing as I turned back to the large bay windows. I tried many times to shut off my head. To try and not think about what could or could not be happening. Nothing worked. Not even when I was alone with Reggie. Colin looked so much like his father that I sometimes found it hard to look at Reggie.
When Colin was born, I was elated to always have a constant reminder. Now I would give anything to have Colin back instead of Reggie.
I know it sounded awful, even painful to say, but it was the truth. I would trade the love of my life for my son. It wasn’t Reggie’s fault. He did nothing wrong, but while he was standing not far from me, my son was out there all alone. He needed me more than Reggie did.
Was it wrong of me to even think of such a thing? Probably, but I couldn’t help how I felt. Sometimes I wondered what that made me. Was I really that selfish, that distant that I could just walk away without a twinge of guilt? I know Reggie had told me that he was never with another woman, and I believed him. That wasn’t his way. He had stayed faithful to me, even though I wasn’t.
Maybe that was why I could walk away. Because of my past, I felt unworthy of him.
I had heard Bianchi call me tainted before. At the time, I didn’t know what he was talking about. Now I did. I would be forever tainted. I was no longer the shy girl who fell in love with her best friend. Who saved herself and waited for the perfect time to show him how much I truly felt for him? Now, I was nothing more than a used-up whore, who had been used over and over again.
Deep down, I knew that what happened wasn’t my fault, that I was a victim, but it didn’t stop Bianchi’s words from penetrating my mind. Maybe in time, his words would fade. Who knows. But right now, I felt like disappearing into the dark fog.
“Planes here. Let’s go,” Reggie said, walking towards the exit.
Getting to my feet, I said nothing as I followed them down a flight of stairs onto a tarmac when a nice leer-jet was slowly coming to a stop. Someone had released the stairs, and Reggie, Shadow, Giorgio, and Luciano raced up to them when the wheels stopped rolling.
Looking around one more time, I didn’t know what was going to happen, and as I ascended the stairs, I thought of how beautiful this place was and that I wouldn’t mind living here.
Once I was on the plane, I was instantly hugged by a huge, muscular man. “Damn, you look good, Cat,” Salvatore said as I returned his embrace. Pulling away, he grabbed my shoulders and added, “We are getting your son back today.”
I wanted to believe him.
I really did, but until Colin was actually in my arms, I refused to hope. I had done that over the months with the Golden Skulls in California, and nothing came of it. Just more disappointment after disappointment.
I wasn’t angry with the Golden Skulls. They were doing everything they could. In fact, I was grateful for their help, but I could have told them that the people who took Colin were never going to let him go and when Sypher set me up with a laptop so I could watch my son on a live feed, I thought that was going to be as good as it gets.
I accepted it.
Looked forward to seeing him live his life.
Even if I couldn’t be with him, I could at least watch him grow up.
Nodding, I stayed quiet as I went to take a seat. Buckling my belt, I just stared out the window while everyone on the plane started talking and planning. I knew they believed that what they were about to do would result in getting Colin back, but I couldn’t believe that.
Too much had happened.
I knew who they would be fighting, and it wasn’t someone who they could beat.
Twenty-Nine
Player
Catarina said nothing as she got on the plane. I saw her face when Sal hugged her. She felt nothing. I was worried about her. She was shutting down. I thought she was coming out of it while we were traveling, but I was starting to believe she was only doing it for my benefit.