Sighing, I leaned my head back and rested it on the wall behind me. “I know.”
“So why are you here, then?” Healer asked, turning to look at me.
“I had a dream.”
“Okay, dreams are common after a traumatic experience. What did you dream about?”
“A woman.”
Healer grinned, not bothering to hide it. “And what did you and this woman do?”
Flipping him the one-finger bird, I smirked, “Not what you’re thinking, asshole.”
“It’s common to dream about sex, Ghost. Hell, after everything you’ve been through, I would say dreaming about sex was normal for you.”
“It wasn’t a sex dream,” I growled.
“Okay,” Healer said, holding up his hands in retreat. I said nothing as he got his chair and rolled it closer to me. “What was the dream about exactly?”
“It was more like a memory. I crashed my bike. I was hurt. A woman came and brought me to her house. She lived there alone, I think, but there was also a small boy. Then she told me where I was and who she was.”
“Well, that’s definitely not a sex dream. What else?”
“That’s it. I woke up after I learned her name.”
“Seems to me your memory is coming back. Don’t force it. Let it come naturally. The more you try to force it, the more it will regress, and you might never remember.”
“I figured that.”
“Look, Ghost. If this dream is a memory, it wants to come back. Your brain is a muscle of millions of neurons, wires, and tissue, functioning as a computer. Like any muscle that has seen trauma, it’s going to take time to heal. Give it time. On top of everything else, you’ve just lost your wife. You’re grieving. That alone will take a toll on your mind and body. You need to give yourself time to rest.”
And there was the conversation I didn’t want to have.
“I’m not grieving.”
“Yes, you are.”
“No,” I clearly said, looking at him. I knew this would make me sound like a grade-A asshole, but I refused to lie. That wasn’t my way. “I’m not. Not like Caroline or Reaper are. They loved her. They miss her. Me, I don’t know what I feel. I never felt anything towards her. I liked her. She was a pain in the ass. Good in the sack. Yeah, she was mine to protect, but I don’t think I ever loved her. I never said that to any woman before Healer. I wouldn’t say the words unless I meant them, and I never said them to her. Did I like her? Yeah. Did I love her? No. Not like Reaper loves Remi.”
“I saw you, Ghost—that night when she died. You were upset. You felt something.”
“Yeah, I was upset. I was pissed that I couldn’t save her. I was angry that I failed her. I was heartbroken for my daughter because she would never have her mother. I was sad for Caroline, who lost her only daughter. Mainly, I was pissed at myself because it was all my fault.”
“You couldn’t have saved Mia, Ghost. Instead of protecting Mia that day, where were you?”
I looked at the man I considered one of my best friends, then looked down at the floor before whispering, “I was protecting Rebekah.”
“And what would have happened to Becca if you went to save Mia?”
“She could have gotten hurt.”
“Exactly. You did what any father would have done. You protected the one person in the clubhouse who couldn’t protect themselves. Mia would agree with you, Ghost. Rebekah needed you more. Mia was a grown woman. She knew what to do. She had to have heard the warning and the gunshots. She was raised in this club from birth. She knew the drill. It was just bad luck that she was shot. But seeing Rebekah with you, and knowing she was unharmed, was worth whatever she endured. She left this life knowing that you would always protect her daughter. If you want my honest opinion, I don’t think she told you that she loved you that day. I think she was looking at Rebekah and saying it to her. You were holding her before you handed her off to Shadow.”
“I married her Healer. I should feel something.”
“You married her, for Rebekah. You wanted to protect your daughter. Any father would do the same.”
“What kind of man marries a woman that he doesn’t love?”