His cock presses against the crotch of my panties and I whimper, desperate for him to make good on his promise and fuck me.
Warmth hits my belly. “Did you already come?”
With his head hung low, he breathes out, “yeah.”
“It’s not a big deal. I’m tired and you said it’s been three years so…” I play it off, not wanting him to get hung up on getting off so quick.
He shoves up and retreats to the bathroom.
“Okay then,” I whisper to myself and use my tank top to wipe my belly off.
I leave the bed to get a new shirt.
I hear Fisher go outside. I understand that he’s embarrassed but he has no reason to be. Premature ejaculation happens to the best of men. According to him there’s not been anyone since the last time he was with me and that was only a blowjob. I follow him outside into the cold night and find him leaning over the rail with a cigarette in hand, staring out at the parking lot.
“Hey.”
“Go back inside. I’ll be in once I finish smoking.”
“Do you want to talk about what just happened?”
“Fuck no I don’t want to talk about the fact that you hardly touched me, and I got off like a fuckin’ chump. Or the fact that I have no right to ask or be angry but who have you been fuckin’?”
“There was one guy. One time.” I don’t tell him about Death. I’m not ready to go there. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.
“That it?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Right,” he clips, pulling a hard drag off his Winston.
“I don’t want to fight with you, but maybe it would be best if you stay at the clubhouse.” I don’t want to hurt Fisher anymore than he’s already hurt himself. As angry as I’ve been with him, the guy lost three years of his life. And not that I’m any prize but he lost me too during that time.
“That what you want?”
“I don’t know what I want. I’m emotional and a bit all over the place. April was murdered this morning and I come home to find you here. Then Yara shows up to tell me that Death was in a car wreck and his little boy might die.”
“April was murdered today? I know you said that she died but damn.”
“Yeah. Someone slit her throat.”
“God damn. What happened with Death?”
“I don’t know. Yara said she would text me with an update. Everyone is at the hospital.”
“Fuck. I should be there,” he mutters and flicks the butt of his cigarette over the railing. Club duty always comes first. I know that all too well.
“I can drive you,” I offer, knowing the last thing I want is for Death to see me with Fisher, but what am I to do? If I act weird about going, Fisher will question why. None of us are prepared to have that conversation.
“You up for that?”
“Sure. Just give me about five minutes to change.”
He nods and follows me inside. The two of us dress in silence. The mood between us somber. The excitement gone. The attraction stagnant. A storm cloud brews over our heads. We can’t go back to the way things were. We’re different people. I’m not that same girl he left to pick up the pieces, and he’s not the man I fell in love with. A lot can change in three years, and yet as I take him in, I know a lot can also stay the same.
Though his life may have paused for three years, mine didn’t. I can’t keep promising myself that I’m moving forward if I’m still holding onto bits of the past. I got caught up in hearing what I wanted to. Fisher has always been charming. That much is still true.
I thought I moved on. I found another man. One I wish I could run to. Though I don’t know if I should. Death is a complicated man. He’s married. He’s a father and the Vice President of the Birds of Hell. His roles come with a lot of responsibility that don’t leave much room for me.