Chapter One
Shasta
There are two types of pain that can cripple a person. The ones that we internalize and hide from others, simmering beneath the surface, creating a pit of animosity and despair that is unmatched by anything else in this world. And then there is the kind that resonates from leaky open wounds, the searing force that burns with relentless pressure, building an agonizing throbbing mess of hell that makes you want to just end it all and leave the earth. Somehow, over the past two years, I’d found a way to merge both types of pain, numbing myself to the constant betrayal Sabbath put me through every day.
When he claimed me as his Ol’ Lady, my heart leapt inside my chest, excited to be his special forever girl. But I came into this union with great naivety. I had no idea what I was walking into when I became the president of the Lewd Outlaws MC’s Ol’ Lady. Before Sabbath became Prez, he was just Adam, the boy I had met in college, who had quickly stolen my heart. We were always on the fast track to forever, but then he got tangled up with his brother’s MC, falling in love with the lifestyle until it consumed him and became a part of him.
Now the club came before everything. Our relationship was a joke, one that his club often made fun of. I was literally arm candy—candy that had been chewed up, spit out, and regurgitated too many fucking times to count.
I hated Sabbath, but I missed Adam with all my heart, hoping one day he would show back up and ride me out of this place on a noble white steed, not a Harley with chrome wheels.
Adam had this uncanny ability of making me feel like I was the only thing in his world, hypnotizing me from the moment I met his bedroom brown eyes and lured me into his silken sheets. Not that it was hard. His cock was unrivaled by any man that came before him, and I soon became addicted to both it and him.
But that addiction turned into a complete nightmare, one that I’m forced to relive every damn day that I continued to stand by his side and watch him have his fun.
“Keep her busy,” I heard him whisper to Snyder as he quickly left the room.
I didn’t need to ask where he was going. I fucking already knew. Rose had been all over his ass since the moment he walked through the door, and it was wildly known that Rose spent most of her time on her knees, blowing anything that moved.
Sabbath loved his fucking blow jobs, and he could get them anytime he wanted, not just from me, but from every club whore that wiggled her ass in his face. Those bitches knew he was mine, but that didn’t stop them from being thirsty cock-guzzling whores who chased after my man. It wasn’t all their fault, Sabbath didn’t stop their advances, either.
Sometimes I found myself wondering why I even bothered staying, but then I remembered…
“If you turn your back on the Lewd Outlaws MC, you’ll end up with a bullet in your skull.”
It’s how Leppard ended up dead. Sabbath put a bullet in his head when he turned his back on him. His own goddamn brother—the man who got him into the club in the first place.
It was on that day that I knew I had lost Adam forever. But by then, I was in too deep, and couldn’t leave him if I tried.
Now I was just a loose end, one that was constantly being shuttled off whenever he wanted to get his dick wet in something other than my pussy.
Snyder was the club’s VP, and lately had been put on babysitting duty. He was the only brother Sabbath had that he could trust, which was why I always found him hovering over me.
Daring to make eye contact, Snyder’s bright blue eyes fell when he saw the first tear leak down my face.
“Hey, don’t cry, Shasta. Don’t let him see you get weak. You’re too strong for that.” There were a few wayward strands of dirty blonde hair hanging in his eyes, and it took everything in me not to move it so I could stare into those blue orbs that always flirtatiously looked my way.
Every man in the Lewd Outlaws MC was hot as hell, and Snyder was no exception. He carried his handsome genes well, almost like a badge of honor. The way his blue jeans hugged his hips was practically sinful, and that dusting of facial hair, a perfect match to his dirty blonde locks, was one of the sexiest five o’clock shadows I’d ever seen. He was towering tall, and a muscular lean that would have any woman drooling at his feet.
The girls around the club were always throwing themselves at those feet, but it was his flirtatious winks and sly smiles he threw my way that had my heart skipping a few beats every time he looked at me.
Out of them all, he was the one I felt the most connected to, but he didn’t know any of my dark secrets because that was a pain I kept hidden within. He only saw the tears I was having trouble hiding anymore.
He was right about one thing, I am weak. So weak that I contemplated ending everything last night when I found Sabbath’s gun tucked away in one of his drawers.
I held the cold metal in my palm, even toyed with the trigger like I was actually going to do it. But then, something inside me talked me down from that ledge, and now here I was, staring up at my man’s VP, wondering why I would never be enough to keep Sabbath happy?
The pad of Snyder’s thumb grazed gently over my cheek, tracing the path of sorrow from my tear duct down to my fading blush, wiping away my outward pain.
For a moment, I let myself get lost in his unfamiliar touch.
Touching was against the rules. Touching could get us both in trouble. Touching felt damn good at the moment.
“You’re too beautiful to cry, Shasta.”
I looked up at him, blinking my tears away as I tried to understand the meaning behind his words.
A loud sniff took over my nose as the vulnerable part of me begged for some kind of attention—attention Sabbath never gave me anymore. “You think I’m beautiful?” The uneasiness in my voice settled between us like broken rapids.