I stared at her, trying to make sense of the words, of the questions. “He meant me and Connor?”
“We didn’t know either of you, yet,” she said and squeezed my hand. “But yes, I do think that’s what he meant. And I don’t think it’s some harbinger of problems for you or Connor. I think he knew, even then, that I was going to be pregnant, and that you and Connor would play a role in each other’s lives. I didn’t really believe him then—how could I? No one else had done what he thought would happen. And then it did. You were born, by whatever miracle of magic and biology.
“After you were born, I didn’t sleep much. I had this fear someone or something would take you away. You were so rare, and so loved.” She touched my cheek. “I was worried, at least in part, that the magic that helped make you would sweep you back up, that Sorcha would return and steal you like a fairy in the night. But then I started sleeping again, and logic returned. And when that happened, I decided by ‘losing’ he meant your growing up.”
She shook her head clear, looked at me. “I think he knew you were going to be part of their family—that you and Connor would bring us all together, even as you and Connor formed your own unit.” She sighed. “And that’s a very long way of saying, if youcan’t hold to Cadogan, hold to the Pack. Let them be your allies, even when we can’t. And whatever it is, know that we love you.”
I nodded and smiled, but knew the truth: My monster—the magic that remained inside me—was her nightmare.
***
I walked back through the House, paused at the stairs to the basement, and almost considered going down.
The armory was down there, the room where the House’s collection of weapons was saved. Including my mother’s former sword.
Maybe, if I had the sword, if I wielded it, I could serve both ends. Give comfort to the monster. Take comfort from the AAM.
please
The word, or the idea of it, echoed in my head. I could feel the bare need, the desire, and I wasn’t sure which of them I was feeling. Probably both.
I closed my eyes for a moment, listened to the sound, felt them both reach out for connection. For... completion? And the monster, by now, knew me. Knew what I valued. I saw myself walking through the House, down the stairs, through the basement hallway.
And when I opened my eyes, I stood outside the closed armory door, hands raised as if to push it open.
I took a stumbling step backward, heart racing as I realized where I was, and what I’d almost done. I’d walked downstairs with my eyes closed, down the hallway with my eyes closed. Had let the monster and its kin—or whatever they were to each other—lead the way through my childhood home.
“Lis?”
I glanced back, found Lindsey looking out through the guard room door, which was just down the hall. She came toward me, lips curved into a smile, but eyes narrowed.
“Are you okay?” Lindsey was empathic, could feel others’ emotions.
She didn’t, as far as I was aware, know about the monster. I hadn’t even known it existed until I was nearly a teenager, and my awareness of it had been sporadic for a few years after that. Now that the monster and I were in closer contact, the risk was higher she’d sense it and tell someone.
Cover,I ordered myself, and pushed the monster down, smiled. “I’m fine. I visited my parents and was just kind of... wandering around.”
She looked at me, then the door, then back again. “Thinking about weapons, were you? Not surprising, given what assholes the AAM are being right now.”
Thinking about weapons was one way to put it, I thought, but realized with some comfort the AAM gave me pretty good cover. It was entirely normal to be flustered and worried about that. “Yeah. I thought about going in.” Entirely true.
“You want me to unlock the door? Couple of good blades might set you right up.”
“No, thank you.” I took another step backward. “I need to figure out a way to deal with this without weapons. Without war.”
“Okay,” she said and gestured back toward the guard room. “I need to get back on a call, but if you change your mind, just let me know. I’ll send down a guard.”
“Thanks. I appreciate it, but I’m going to head out now.”
I felt her gaze on me as I walked back to the stairs, began the climb up. But I didn’t feel better until I was out of the House again.
And then I saw the SUV waiting at the curb, and the man standing beside it, and I felt almost ridiculously relieved.
The gate opened slowly, and I slipped through the gap sideways, too impatient to wait. Connor pushed off the car, frowned at my expression.
“What?” he asked.
“First, are you okay?”