I returned to my book, knowing that an escape into the pages would save me, as it had all my life.
* * *
That evening,when I entered the sitting room dressed for dinner in my best suit, they had champagne on ice, ready to toast my engagement. Delphia and Addie were there waiting as well. My eyes were drawn to Addie, who wore a plum-colored dress that made her fair skin look luminous in the evening light. When had she grown so beautiful? She’d always been pretty, but maturity had brought a new loveliness. A sense of substance emanated from her eyes. A woman was before me instead of the child I’d once known.
I didn’t know what to make of it or the feelings she’d stirred in me the last few days. Why was it different than what I felt for Delphia or Fiona? They were beautiful, too. I could see that. I had eyes, after all. But Addie tugged at me in a visceral way. One that made me wish to touch her moonbeam skin.
What was wrong with me? I had to stop thinking this way. I was an engaged man. However it came to be, it was still true. My father and Maxwell Masters had made their move. It was now time for me to come through for all of them.
My father. A memory flashed before me. I’d been eight years old. Nanny had fallen asleep in her chair in the nursery. My little sister was napping. I took it upon myself to wander downstairs and find a book from our library. To my surprise, I’d found my father there. He’d been slumped over on the sofa, a drink in his hand. Upon hearing me, he looked up with bloodshot eyes. I’d taken in a deep, painful breath at the sight of him.Sad and defeated.Those were the two words I’d thought of to describe him. Then I noticed that my mother was there, too. She was in a dark corner of the room, hidden in shadow. A ghost in her own home. She’d been crying. I could see that, even though I was young.
And a feeling inside me had emerged fully formed, whereas before when I was younger, it had been fragmented. I’d not been able to understand it before then, this overwhelming urge to fix him. To fix everything. To make it all better.
“Mother?” I’d said out loud. “What should I do?”
“Nothing, love. Go back to the nursery.” Her voice was flat and hoarse, as if she were sick. “Don’t dally. Take one of your little books and leave us.”
“But I…I could help,” I said.
“Wouldn’t that be something if you could?” Father downed the rest of his drink and slammed the glass on the table. “You’re a worthless, weak boy, aren’t you now? You’ll grow up to be a taller version than you are now but the same anyway. Useless to me. To anyone.”
“Michael, please. He’s only a little boy.” My mother’s voice now shook, not from rage, but despair. Even at that age, I knew the difference.
Father looked at me, his eyes unfocused. “You want to help? When you’re all grown up, you can do the smart thing and marry well. I married for love and look what good came of that? Nothing at all. Nothing at all. This life of mine, nothing but a disappointment.”
“You’ve done this to us, Michael,” Mother said. “Your carelessness. That horrible itch you have to gamble everything away.”
“Mother, what’s happened?” I asked.
“Your father took a gamble and it’s ruined us,” she said, wooden now. The true mark of a person who has given up all hope, I realized later.
I couldn’t look at either of them, staring down at my hands that were clasped so tightly together the whites of my knuckles were in sharp contrast to my freckled skin. I wished with all my might that I could fix whatever it was that was so terribly wrong.
“Marry a rich woman, James,” Father said. “And save us all. If only I’d been smart enough to do the same.”
“If only I’d been smart enough to marry an intelligent man,” Mother said. “One who didn’t waste the last of his fortune on a gypsy tale.”
Even at such a young age, I understood two things. If either of them had their wish then I would not have been born. And secondly, because I was born, I must be the one to save them. For my existence was part of the problem. If I could be a good enough boy, perhaps they would be happy.
Now, I blinked myself back to the present. Alexander was offering me a glass of champagne. Quinn invited me to sit next to her and tell her all about Lena. I did as asked, happy to oblige anyone who showed interest in me, as I’d been doing all my life.
Delphia and Addie sat across from us on the other couch. Alexander took one of the easy chairs. Outside, twilight dusted the world orange. The bubbles in my champagne popped enthusiastically to the top of my glass.
“You’re in trouble with us,” Quinn said. “How could you not mention the engagement? We would have had a party for you instead of only opening a bottle of bubbly.”
“Without the bride, it’s rather strange to do so, isn’t it?” Delphia asked.
“Yes, yes, of course,” Quinn said. “I’m only teasing. James, tell us all about her. How did you meet?”
I stole a furtive look at Addie. She stared into her champagne glass, seeming removed from the world. Actually, she appeared quite sad. Was it my engagement?No, don’t be daft, I scolded myself.She’s probably bored of me and my silly life and wishes she were out with her young friends.
“We met at a party at Mr. Masters’s apartment in Manhattan. I was with my boss,” I said. “It was Christmastime and everything was very festive.” I’d been missing my Colorado family that night and had agreed to attend the party to distract myself. “To be honest, I was wishing I was here with all of you.”
Addie looked up at me. “You were?”
“Yes, that Christmas I spent with all of you was the happiest of my life.”
“You’re always welcome here,” Alexander said. “Perhaps this year, you and your new wife will join us?”