I try to speak but I can’t because I’m too busy fighting the urge to kiss her again. She’s so damn perfect for me. And maybe I made her that way by spending too much time with her over the years. I meshed her into every part of my life, and now she’s grown into someone who cares as much about the things that are important to me as I do. Sydni never invested herself into the pet rescue with me and often rolled her eyes when I talked about it. And she definitely wouldn’t be caught dead at my mom’s shelter bathing dogs or walking around town hanging posters of lost pets. It always bothered me to not have someone who would be involved in that part of my life with me. Especially after growing up with two parents who were so dedicated to their mission that they built their entire lives around it.
Kenzi continues to talk, completely clueless to the fact that she’s crawling even deeper into my heart and making me want to run home, dump my jar of change onto the floor and stick a monstrous ring on her finger. My head starts to feel dizzy and I gulp my water, hoping it will wash away the fucked-up thoughts and feelings I’m having.
“And I was thinking it would be nice to maybe have some sort of grief counseling available for the people who have a missing pet that we find out has passed away while it was missing. Like that poor lady whose dog got run over. Remember how devastated she was?” She blinks back a tear. “When Snuggles died it, took me days to stop crying. I can’t imagine what those people feel like that lose their pets so suddenly and tragically, ya know?”
I nod and drink more water.
I will not think about proposing to an eighteen-year-old girl.
“What? Is it all stupid?” She asks.
“God, no.”
“Then why aren’t you saying anything?”
“You just sorta amaze me sometimes, that’s all. I love how your mind works.” I put my water bottle on the rock next to me again.
“So you like my ideas?”
“No, I love your ideas. So will my mom.”
She beams. “Really? I was going to talk to her next week.”
“Seriously, she’ll love all of it, Kenz. I’ll even split the cost of the printer with you, how’s that sound? It’s a wicked cool idea for us to do that to help people. The faster the posters go up, the better chance they have of finding the dog.”
She nods with excitement. “I like being able to do something that makes a difference, ya know? It makes me feel important and like I’m doing something that actually matters. I don’t want to be the rich rock stars kid that does nothing. I want to help.”
“Yeah. It’s kind of an addicting feeling.”
“It really is. And what about me working at the shop? Do you still want me to when Gretchen leaves?”
Yes, I want you with me every moment of every day of every year.
“I do but I have to admit, I think working at the Inn is way more glamorous and will give you more of a future. Why would you want to work in a dirty bike shop answering phones and doing mundane shit all day?”
“Because then I can be close to you. And it’s your family’s business. It’s not just a random job to me. It means just as much to me as the Inn.”
I nod slowly and listen to the rush of the water that’s barely drowning out the screams in my own head. She’s doing everything she can to be part of my life, and I can either let her or I can put a stop to it. I can end this all now and watch her run back to Maine. I know she’ll be okay. She’ll forget about me eventually and will meet someone her own age, and I’ll move on and find someone who isn’t her and we’ll both be fine. Things will go back to how they were before.
Right. Keep telling yourself that and maybe you’ll believe it.
“Let’s think about it,” I finally say. “I want you to do what’s best for you, and not do things just so you can be near me. No matter what you choose, we’ll still see each other. Maine is a nice, easy ride. I can visit you whenever we want to spend time together. You don’t have to get involved in all my stuff just to see me.”
“I know that, but I want to be involved in your ‘stuff’. And not just to see you. It’s more than that. I wouldn’t get involved with the shelter and work at your shop just to stalk you, Tor. I’m not that crazy.”
Chuckling at her stalker comment, I grab her hand and thread our fingers together. “I know you’re not. I just want what’s best for you. That’s all.”