“Do you regret me and mom?” I demand quietly, wondering if he regrets getting married and having a family so young. Maybe he was never as happy as he appeared to be. “Is that why you’re being this way?”
His lips touch the top of my head before he replies. “I don’t regret one moment. You and mom are everything to me.”
“Then why can’t you believe that me and Tor can have the same?”
His chest heaves up and down once again. “Because it’s wrong. He’s too old for you. You called him your uncle for almost your entire life. He babysat you and changed your diapers. It’s perverted, Kenzi. I feel sick just thinking about it,” he pauses and his hand stills on the back of my head. “Did he ever touch you when you were younger? Make you do things? Maybe play odd games?”
I lift my head up and stare at him, horrified at the mere idea of any of that. “Never. How can you even think that? He’s your best friend, Dad. And yeah I know he took care of me but our relationship changed. We became more like friends as I got older. And then that slowly turned into more. It happened over the course of eighteen years, Dad. It grew and changed and evolved. None of those feelings were there when I was five, and I know deep down you know that. You or Mom would have known. And I would tell you if I had any memories at all that were creepy. There aren’t any. You have to believe that.”
“I’m trying to.”
“He was terrified when things started to change. He pushed me away, he yelled at me. He made me go to Aunt Katherine’s to put space between us. You have no idea how much he fought it, Dad,” I say. “And honestly? I pulled him. I wanted to be in a relationship with him and I knew he felt the same way. I kept pulling him out of denial. So be mad at me.”
Shaking his head, he swipes his other hand across his face with the towel he’s holding. “I can’t be mad at you. But I’m disappointed that you would lie to me and do things behind my back. I thought we were close enough where you could tell me anything.”
My stomach burns with emotion. He’s right, I could always tell him and my mom anything and everything. “We are. But I knew you would never understand this and I was right.”
“You knew I wouldn’t understand it because it’s wrong.”
“No,” I say firmly. “I knew you wouldn’t understand because it doesn’t fit into what you think is right.”
He’s silent, staring off across the room as he idly rubs circles on my back.
“Dad…I love you, but you have to let me make my own choices. I’m an adult, whether you like it or not.”
“I totally understand that. But there is no way in hell I can look at you with him, or be in the same room with him knowing he’s had his hands on you. I’ll go crazy.” He pauses for a moment. “I can’t lose you, too, Kenzi. I can’t have Mom being the way she is and you out there living your life and not being a part of mine.”
“Then just accept us. Don’t make me choose. At least try.” I beg.
“I can’t,” he replies with tortured regret thick in his voice.
Despair floods through me, seeping into every crevice of my heart and soul. I’m trapped and torn between the two men I love most in the world. I can’t imagine hurting either one of them or walking away from either one of them. Choosing one would only hurt the other, and that would devastate me beyond words.
I love them both. I need them both. I want them both in my life.
After I convince my dad to shower and go to bed, I quietly go back to my room and send Tor a text, my fingers shaking over the tiny keyboard.
Me: Are you okay? I’ve been so worried.
Tor: I’m only worried about the pain this is causing you.
Me: Did he hurt you? He said he hit you and I know you hit him
Tor: I didn’t want to hit him but he said some really nasty things and I snapped. I’m sorry. Is he ok?
Me: He’s fine. He just fell asleep. Please tell me if you’re ok.
Tor: He fucked up my ribs pretty bad. I’m pretty sure he re-broke a few. He may have broken my nose, too. Tris is coming over in about an hour to take me to the ER.
I burst into uncontrollable tears as more anger and sorrow over this situation swell up in me.
Me: I can’t believe he hurt you like that. I’m so sorry, Tor. This is my fault.