“I understand, Dad.”
“That morning we were talking about it again. Sometimes your mom would mention that Tor was always so understanding, and he is. That’s just who he fuckin’ is and what we all love about him. But sometimes I got sick of hearing it. Nobody wants to hear that another guy understand his wife better than he does sometimes. That’s all it was.”
He grabs my mother’s pillow and holds it against his chest. “I’m sorry I yelled at you about the journal. It’s just private and I try to respect her personal things.”
I feel ashamed of myself for prying into her journal. “I’m sorry I tried to read them. I’ve just been moody and confused lately.”
“I can take you to see her, Kenzi. Maybe if you just sit and talk to her, you’ll feel better. That’s what I do. There’s a good chance she can hear us, the doctor said so.”
My heart does the lurch and freeze like it does every time we talk about my mother. I don’t know if I can sit by her bed, hold her lifeless hand, and chatter on about my day while she lays in a bed, trapped in sleep. A few times I’ve tried but it doesn’t feel like she’s there, and it seems cruel to talk to her when she can’t respond. What if she can hear us and she wants to respond and she feels trapped and scared? What if she is really petrified, wherever she may be mentally? Or is there just nothing there anymore? These are the things that drive me insane and make me sick with worry. All I know for sure is I miss her smile and her amazing eyes that once held so much life and happiness.
“I’ll think about it.” I say.
“Kenzi…what’s going on with you? You’ve been acting so off lately. You were totally preoccupied with Sydni being at the hospital with Tor, and you’ve been distant and distracted. Even the trip to Katherine’s was sudden. You never just do things like that, you always plan. You’re not flighty.”
I struggle for the right words. “I don’t know. I guess just basic life confusion after graduation.” I offer weakly.
He shakes his head and turns his body to face mine. “I’m so good at reading everyone else in this family. I can feel what’s going on with all of them, like a deep intuition, if that makes any sense. It’s always been there. But with you….it’s so hard.” He sighs and hugs the pillow tighter. “I know this will sound crazy, but since the accident, I dream about your mom, and she shows me things. Like things that are going on with people we love. Like the day Uncle Talon got married. I dreamt that your mom showed me his wife all alone, with no one to walk her down the aisle. That’s why I walked her.” His eyes close and he leans his chin on the pillow. “I sound like a head case.”
“No, Dad. You really don’t,” I reply softly. “You sound like someone who has an amazing connection with their wife and the people they love.”
He studies my face some more. “Where were you tonight? It’s late. Actually, you’ve been coming home late almost every night. Chloe’s in New York, so where are you every night? Who are you with? I feel like I have no idea what you do anymore or who you spend time with, and I don’t like it. I don’t want to lose you, Kenzi.”
Swallowing hard, I refuse to lie right to his face. I can’t. “I was at Tor’s. Watching movies.”
His stare deepens and his expression changes to one I’ve never seen before. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his cell phone.
“That’s funny. I sent a text to Tor earlier asking if he wanted to grab a drink and he wrote back that he was spending the night with a chick. Did his plans change?”
My heart goes into ballistic overdrive. “Oh. I’m not sure.” I stand up and my legs wobble with shaky nervousness. “I’m going to go to bed. It’s late.”
“Is something going on?” He asks, with a touch of suspicion in his voice.
“No, Daddy. I’m just tired.”
He follows me down the hall to my bedroom and my panic escalates with each step. His radar is tuned directly at me and that is definitely not a good sign.
“Why are you hovering?” I ask him. “I just want to go to sleep.” My cell phone beeps from where it’s laying on my bed and his eyes immediately go to it. I reach for it but he grabs it from my hand.
“Dad-”
His jaw clenches and his eyes go wide as he stares at the screen.
“What. The. Fuck.” He says with agonizing slowness, his gaze shifting to mine. “Is something going on with you and Tor?” He asks in disbelief.