He looked down at her. So pathetic. His anger burned, just like on the day she’d slapped him for telling the truth. Her hands shook as she held the letter. He leaned against the doorframe, crossed his legs, and looked at anything and everything but her. His bare feet felt cold with the breeze drifting in from outside.
“I have come to tell you that I love you. That you and Melanie mean everything to me.”
“Damn!” He chuckled. “You start off lyin’ right out the gate. Ain’t even ease into it. Treatin’ me like a cheap hoe from tha jump!”
She shook her head. “I know I’m not perfect, but I tried hard to raise you and your sister. Sometimes we didn’t see eye to eye. What you saw as me being more in love with men than my own children was not true.”
“This must be a comedy show. You Kevin Hart, huh? The White, female version? Okay, you know what? I’mma stop giving my commentary, Mama. I give you the floor.” He took a dramatic bow. “No more interruptions. The show must go on, right?”
She blinked a few times, then looked back at the paper and proceeded.
“I was using them, as much as they were using me. I was trying to keep a roof over your and Melanie’s head.” She took a deep breath. “I had lost several jobs when you were a baby, because Tarik was often sick, and you were getting suspended.Someone had to stay home with you.”Oh, this is my fault, huh?“I had never heard of a first grader getting suspended from school, until it happened to you. When your father left, things got ten times worse. Yes, I wanted company, and to be in love, but not at the expense of my children. I was trying to survive. I am sorry… I am sorry that we have not gotten along, Legend.”
She closed her eyes tight, and cried quietly. He felt as if he were looking at a blank piece of paper gently blowing in the wind.
“I am proud of who you are trying to be now. I don’t have no ill will towards Axel. I just know how much you like your independence, and resent people when they hold somethin’ over your head. I know it sometimes sounds like I’m not supportive, but I just don’t want you to get hurt, or put all of your eggs in one basket. You were my most difficult child to raise because you were always so opinionated, on the warpath, and stubborn. I never understood why you were so angry with the whole world. We were poor, but we had each other. You never missed a meal. One day, when you have children, maybe you will understand how hard it is to raise them. I’m your mama. I will always be here for you. No matter what.
“Love, Mama.” She sniffed, took off her glasses, and wiped her tears with her palm. Then, she folded the paper back up and slipped it into her purse.
“You think you really did something there, don’t you?” He forced a smile, while seething inside.
“I poured my heart out to you, Legend,” she responded meekly.
“I don’t need a heart poured out to me, I needed some motherly arms and protection, way back when. You too late. I got it from here.”
“Legend, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”
“I bet you don’t… Let me ask you somethin’, Mama.” He looked across the street, past her, for a brief moment, then locked gazes with her. “Did you ever question yourself, or even me directly, and think, ‘Why the hell would a little boy, a six or seven year old child be actin’ like this?’ Somethin’ had to be wrong, right? This wasn’t common. You had enough wherewithal to stand here and tell me you wondered why I was so angry in the first grade. You forgot about you telling me a long time ago that I was the easiest baby you ever had, up until I was about six or so. What changed, hmm? Riddle me that.”
“I don’t know what changed.” She shrugged. “Our lives were pretty much the same. Then your dad ran off, and you got much worse. So, I figured that was the final straw for ya.”
“Mmmm, okay. I see.” He grimaced, brought his cigarette to his mouth, and took a deep draw. “Well, let me put another question at your feet. Maybe you can answer this one, since the first question stumped you: Was our lives pretty much the same before or after Luis was tryna tongue kiss me in the mouth?”
Her face turned red and her mouth dropped.
“I…”
“Yeah. I guess you thought you was gone waltz yo’ ass over here, and I was going to let over thirty-five fuckin’ years of bullshit just go. Like I was gonna hug you, kiss yo’ cheek, and move on. I done already tried that with you countless times. YOU MY MAMA! Who in the worldwantsto hate their own mama?! THAT AIN’T NATURAL! One thing I learned ’bout being in the pen is that time waits for no one. Every time I got locked up, chunks of my life got erased. I was robbed of my years. I used to blame you for that. You were right about one thing though. It wasmyfault that I was in prison, not yours. I was the one runnin’ around here, sellin’ drugs. Livin’ it up. Flauntin’ my money. I was the one doing all kinds of shit that I knew were wrong, mostly to make cash and feel important.
“I had no right to put that on you, ’cause I was grown, but I can tell you this much: you set up the framework.” She glared at him, tears welling in her eyes. “That’s all I wanted you to acknowledge, Mama.” He shrugged. “We all fuck up. Make mistakes. I never expected you to be perfect. I expected you to love and care for me. I expected you to protect me from the monsters in the closet. That’s it. Of which you did neither.”
He paused for a moment, shaking his head. “I give people chances, but if they keep doing the same ol’ dirty shit to me, it’s over. I see a spade for a spade, a snake for a snake, a rat for a rat, and I move accordingly around that mothafucka. I do believe in karma. And I believe in people gettin’ what they deserve. Good or bad.
“If you fuck over someone, you should have to pay for that. Me included. I deserved to be in prison, ’cause I’d done wrong. I used to say if I don’t sell them the drugs, someone else will, but that’s just an excuse. It’s not fair. People are on these streets dyin’ ’cause of addiction. Addiction more times than not, is because someone is runnin’ from pain, and I’m standing here with their blood on my hands, because I made it worse. It’ll never wash off. Those people I was slangin’ rock to were somebody daddy, mama, brother, sister, son, daughter… I helped destroy families. Just like mine was destroyed! Misery loves company. I hated you for years, for so many reasons.
“I had to work through that. I’mstillworkin’ through that. I had to understand that you just aren’t equipped to be a mother. And see, that’s why not everybody who got kids should be havin’ ’em. There should be a test or some shit you gotta take first, and if you fail, instant sterilization. You don’t have the right tools for the job! You knew you didn’t, and yet you went on and tried to build a house anyway. The shit came down, Mama. Every brick.
“Every piece of mortar. It came down on all of our heads. I can’t get blood from a turnip, as Grandma always said. I thankyou for givin’ me life, though. After all, I used to wanna be dead. Now I’m glad to be here, ’cause of Ms. Florence. If she hadn’t taken an interest in me, and put positive thoughts in my head that I could never forget, God only knows where’d I’d be. She knew how to talk to me. She knew how to get me to think, even when I pretended not to care ’bout what she was sayin’. She instilled critical thinking in me. She encouraged my cooking. I tried to hide that I liked to cook, ’cause I thought it was girly. I didn’t want no association with that, because of what happened to me.
“Ms. Florence was the first person that showed me all of these books filled with chefs and famous cooks who were men! All around the world! They had wives ’nd kids. They had muscles and beards, and they were creating culinary masterpieces! She gave me books and articles. She gave me complicated recipes and used to pay for special groceries, so I could go home and try making different dishes. This woman was my history teacher, Mama. She changed my whole life, even though it didn’t seem like it, considering the trajectory I was on. The results of her love for me showed up later, ’cause here I am. Alive! She ain’t never have no babies of her own. I never knew why, but she indeed had kids, Mama. Hundreds of ’em in that school.
“She ain’t come from nothin’, either. I couldn’t use that as an excuse no mo’e. She told me, Axel, and Caspian about her life as a child. It was rough! She survived. She made it! Her words stuck with me way after her death, even when I was fuckin’ up. I remember cussin’ out God ’cause he didn’t make her my mama instead. I asked that woman to adopt me. I was sixteen years old, damn near grown, and still beggin’ for a mama! How sad! I made her a promise, and I’ll be damned if I don’t fulfill it. So here you go. I told you once, I’m tellin’ you again—from a different mindset. I was molested by three men right under your nose. I tried to tell you about it, and you told me I was full of shit. Ididn’t say anything to anyone else until it was well over for years, and I was a teenager.”
“Why’d you wait so long if this really happened, Legend?! Why didn’t you try and talk to someone else if you think I wronged you?”
“Because I was tryna protect my sister! I knew if I was removed from the house, she wouldn’t have nobody!” Mama’s face reddened. “There was no guarantee that they were going to take her, too. I had already seen and heard enough about abuse to see how families were broken up and separated. Luis let me know it could happen, too, and hung it over my head. Even at that young age, I knew children needed protection! I had more of a maternal instinct than you did, and I was a boy. Luis was eventually gone, but he was one of many sickos in this world. I couldn’t take that chance with my sister.”
“What did he do?!”